Shia LaDouche On Why He And Carey Mulligan Broke Up

September 5, 2012 / Posted by:

Since Shia LaDouche is really method, he’s forever farting out douche dingles from his mouth to prepare himself for the day he plays the title role in The Summer’s Eve That Never Ends: The Shia LaDouche Story. That explains what came out of Shia’s mouth when he talked to The Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) about why he stopped humping on Carey Mulligan. Carey didn’t dump Shia because she was sick of spraying RAID on her chocha every time they bumped parts. Carey also didn’t dump Shia because she woke up one day, smelled the dirty douche water and realized that’s not what she wanted to do with her life anymore. Shia says that they broke up, because Carey wanted a wedding ring on her finger and babies in her belly.

“Carey is not just an actress, she is a great human being, a sweet girl and super intelligent. Our thing came down to not having compatible work/lifestyles. We were always travelling, and had sensibility differences that weren’t conducive to living with one another. I’m harder on myself and my surroundings than she is, and we had a culture shock in terms of meeting her parents and vice versa. Sensibilities, cultures, histories. There were differences, that’s all.

She’s happy as hell right now, and we wouldn’t have been able to make it like that. She was chasing marriage, family, kids more than I was. I’m not opposed to marriage. I just think I’m quite young. I come from divorce. I’m only doing marriage once. It’s not a game for me. I’m not a religious person, but I have ethics.”

Okay, okay, I take back what I said about that quote being just another dehydrated menstrual berry spat out by Shia. Shia actually did a good thing for Carey. It’s always nice when you don’t have to stretch your muscles by dodging a greasy bullet because the greasy bullet did you a major favor by dodging you instead. A real act of kindness.

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