Chestica’s Chichis Kept Her From Jogging

September 5, 2012 / Posted by:

Next week, the engineering world will see just how far a cocoon of Spanx can be stretched when Jessica Simpson goes on Katie Couric’s new talk show and shows Weight Watchers what $4 million bought them. Jessica told USA Today that when she was knocked up with Maxwell, she was always in eatin’ mode, because she wanted to fully enjoy her first time with a fetus in her. Jessica swallowed everything including a whole lot of mac ‘n cheese, and the only time she spat something out was when she was chewing on something rubbery and bland and realized it was Ashlee Simpson! That’s the last time Ashlee makes the mistake of dropping Velveeta shells and cheese on her chest.

Eating everything with cheese gravy on it made Jessica gain a bunch of chunk and she says that she weighed 170 pounds when she posed naked for Elle. Jessica’s 5’4″, so that’s your cue to scream, “SHEZA LIAH!!!!!

Chestica must’ve eaten so much macaroni and cheese that it filled her body and squeezed into her head, because the dumb ass thought that all the weight would just magically come off when she pushed out her baby.

“I didn’t realize it (the weight) didn’t all come off with the baby.”

The only way all that weight would’ve come off during birth is if Maxwell came out of her cooch in a hot air balloon pulled by a herd of elephants wearing inflatable sumo wrestler suits. The bitch was huge.

Chestica says that since she’s been on Weight Watchers, she’s lost weight every single week and she’s only 10 pounds away from her pre-Maxwell size. Chestica eats less than she used to, but she still nibbles on a few M&Ms every once and a while. Chestica walks 60 minutes a day and she can’t jog, because every time she tries, one of the 20 gallon leche balls on her chest nearly knocks her head off:

“My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I’m just walking.”

Chestica knows that bitches are always making fun of her weight and when she walks down the street, people say, “Goddammit! That’s a big fat ass! But she’s just a regular woman and blah blah blah…

“I’m not a supermodel. My body is not bouncing back like a supermodel. I’m just your everyday woman who is trying to feel good and be healthy for her daughter, her fiancé and herself.”

“I’m just your everyday woman…” Heffa, shut your mouth on a loaf of Weight Watchers banana bread, because you ain’t an everyday woman. As far as I know, everyday women aren’t paid millions of dollars to lose weight and don’t have an unemployed husband who can take care of the baby while she walks in place as her private chef makes her lunch. Bitch can call herself an average woman when I see her doing crunches in her cubicle before eating a lunch of broccoli slop that she tried to steam in the break room microwave.

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