When it’s your birthday, the office manager at your job pulls out a card from a stack of birthday cards they bought on clearance at Big Lots, gets your co-workers to stop playing Solitaire for a second to sign it and then they give it to you with a Zinger from the vending machine and a $5 gift certificate to Gloria Jean’s (not even Starbucks!). That’s if you’re lucky. But if you’re Beyonce and it’s your second time turning 31, your friends, family, Basement Baby and your stalker named Gwyneth Paltrow all handwrite you birthday notes that get plastered all over your website. On this special BeyDay, a bunch of the people who are lucky enough to bask in light that glows from her halo wrote messages on an Internet wall of birthday wishes to her. It would’ve been more subtle if they all lined up and took turns licking her ass.
I’m guessing that Fishsticks Paltrow made her maid write this message to Bey while she hand stitched a wig of imported French yak hair for her best friend, because that writing! It’s trash! I refuse to believe that’s the handwriting of a fine British lady like Fishsticks. Fishsticks only handwrites with a swan feather dipped in liquefied onyx and that doesn’t look like ye old calligraphy to me. However, the whole “on the occasion of her 31st birthday” did make me roll my eyes to the left to the left, so maybe it’s Fishsticks after all.
And when I didn’t see a birthday message from Kim Kardashian, I figured that she’s still pissed at Beyonce for ignoring her this weekend. But then I remembered that Kim can’t read let alone write.