"On The Occasion Of Her 31st Birthday"
When it's your birthday, the office manager at your job pulls out a card from a stack of birthday cards they bought on clearance at Big Lots, gets your co-workers to stop playing Solitaire for a second to sign it and then they give it to you with a Zinger from the vending machine and a $5 gift certificate to Gloria Jean's (not even Starbucks!). That's if you're lucky. But if you're Beyonce and it's your second time turning 31, your friends, family, Basement Baby and your stalker named Gwyneth Paltrow all handwrite you birthday notes that get plastered all over your website. On this special BeyDay, a bunch of the people who are lucky enough to bask in light that glows from her halo wrote messages on an Internet wall of birthday wishes to her. It would've been more subtle if they all lined up and took turns licking her ass.
I'm guessing that Fishsticks Paltrow made her maid write this message to Bey while she hand stitched a wig of imported French yak hair for her best friend, because that writing! It's trash! I refuse to believe that's the handwriting of a fine British lady like Fishsticks. Fishsticks only handwrites with a swan feather dipped in liquefied onyx and that doesn't look like ye old calligraphy to me. However, the whole "on the occasion of her 31st birthday" did make me roll my eyes to the left to the left, so maybe it's Fishsticks after all.
And when I didn't see a birthday message from Kim Kardashian, I figured that she's still pissed at Beyonce for ignoring her this weekend. But then I remembered that Kim can't read let alone write.
via People
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""on the occasion"? Can she be more pretentious"
Yes, by writing "We love you so very much" rather than "We love you very much." Gwynnie, you're frigging American. PLEASE STOP.
Sarah Smile
Uhh, she didn't write this in full, looping script with a quillfeather plucked from the rarest bird of paradise? What a shitty, pathetic birthday note from a shitty, pathetic friend. Goop is such a damn failure.
Per vedere il volto giovanile del hogan scarpe inattaccabile ammucchiati l'aspetto di una risata a buon mercato, e disse: "Ragazzo, è, alla fine, con la Dea Jiang Chenxi Qual è il rapporto"
"Non ha importanza." I giovani guardano inattaccabile indifferente detto. "? Non importa" La risata inattaccabile aspetto economico, indicò scarpe hogan la stanza accanto, abbassò la voce e disse: "Lo sai chi ha vissuto qui"
http://www.it-hoganscarpehogan.com/
I cracked up at "Apple Moses"....sooooo ridiculous!
Guardando questo ha hogan lasciato il giovane Jiang Chenxi fronte Weicu gli occhi esposti perplesso look. Infatti, dal primo vide il giovane, e sentì il giovane non è la stessa, che
http://www.hoganworld-italia.com/
Il giovane si limitò Dea Jiang Chenxi una svolta hogan scarpe senza guardare indietro e marciò indietro. Ben presto, il giovane sarebbe tornato alla locanda, poi Ji Yuchen, è andato dritto nella stanza, "scattò Notte. La scarpe hogan gioventù è spazio per meditare, un colpo improvviso alla porta. Giovane fronte Wei Zhou, aprire la porta, visto che è inattaccabile.
http://www.scarpehoganscarpe-italia.com/
Now I know where Bayonet learned her all-caps-all-the-time textual skills.
I can't stand these attention seeking fucks! Who gives a flying fuck and why does the public need to see personal birthday wishes from your so called friends?! And why the fuck do Jay's nephews who are damn near Beyonce's age call her Auntie? The fuck?! Fuck a marriage to your uncle that bitch is your peer-address her as such.
The card looks like it was written by kindergartners. I know Apple and Celery are pretty young, but what's Goop's excuse?
JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.
Yes, so humble, so grounded.
Bitch please.
Well, allow me to retort! (I wrote this in my friend's birthday card)
"(friend) - cannot believe that you are now 50, you will forever be 42 in my eyes and mind and heart (that was her age when we became friends). Which makes me 33 forever, BITCH! xoBK"
She told me to go fuck myself, but that's what friends like us do LOL.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
I was listening to Howard stern on Sirius and he was makin me laugh, lampooning all the celebs, he's still got it in him, less than back in the day but he sure doesn't let total moron wastes-of-cyber-space fame-whoores like Kim kardassian and parasite Hilton fly under the radar ; he gives them their well earned scorn , Then he said that his dear, sweet wife who does a ton of charity work for animals and sounds like a good egg LOVES and WORSHIPS - Gwenyth Paltrow. My reaction was, huh?? I thought NO body liked her and she's just kind of there, propped up by nepotism, great genetics via her talented, beauteous mommy, succesful smart daddy, and the hungry momentum of fame. I guess some people actually do buy her crappy act. that note is so self-congratulatory.
Happy birthday Beyonce! Your hairline's going the way of Naomi Campbell! And your husband's still ugly! Love you! - Gigaboob.
on this occasion, her penmanship appears to be that of a mans.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
I'm not surprised that Beyone would do this. I mean, her second solo album was released on her birthday and called B'Day. Beyonce said that it could stand for either Beyonce Day or Birthday.
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Submitted by islandgirl on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 5:04pm.
I bet she has one of those annoying voice mail messages where the whole family chimes in.
"Hi! You've reached the Paltrow-Martin family! I'm Gwennie!" "I'm Apple!" "And I'm Moses. Daddy is busy screwing the help." (sound of screams) "We can't come to the phone right now because we're too busy hobnobbing and looking down on people. Please leave a message after the Vienna Boys' Choir rendition of Carmina Burana, which, incidentally, were flown in especially for this recording."
BEEP!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Perfect.
Submitted by lislop on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 5:18pm.
"on the occasion"? Can she be more pretentious and uppity?
Of course she can.
It's funny, considering how prissy and elitist Gwyneth is, thinking she's all perfect, her kid Apple is really funny looking. I imagine Gwyn sitting down with the kid one day, "you're gonna have to live with another family, your face is ruining my perfect image."
From what I remember Beyonce was a year or two older than my sister who just turned 31. But I really don't give a shit. She should focus on winning that Oscar that she wants so bad buuaaahahaha
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
How redonkulous! It's all about me me me me me me me Bey me me me me me me me me me Bey me me me me me me me Bey me me me me me me OLOLOL
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠♡░░░░
Everyone's handwriting (on that note) annoys me.
Gah!!!
Posted by Apple and Moses:
http://cheezburger.com/6563406848
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On the occasion of Michael K's high-larious post...blow it out yer ditty bag, Fishy.
Submitted by dick marin on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 5:47pm.
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I actually ask myself how many PR-managers and whatnots are reading this blog/blogs like this.
I'm pretty sure Tom Cruise's machinery does this, as well as Katie Holmes' and this bitch, i just forgot her name, who wants to keep her child from her ex. I really don't know her name.. Halle Berry - had to google Gabriel Aubry and read his wiki-page to find her name. HAHA - I hope her PR management reads this.
that takes a new level of arrogance to do this on your birthday and on a website, tacky and egotistical come to mind...she is so full of herself it is pathetic, and all those bullshit statements of her being humble is such a crock of shit is almost funny...Happy Birthday to everyone else BUT Beyonce, she is now of the mentality of shit not stinking, and I can smell hers from here!
I wonder if Bouncy Knobs and Fishsticks reads D'listed,,,,,,probably,,,just to catch up!!!
babybunny
I like it but change it to "fornicating* with the help..." - sounds so much better.
*© Seal
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Dark-sided!
"Hi! You've reached the Paltrow-Martin family! I'm Gwennie!" "I'm Apple!" "And I'm Moses. Daddy is busy screwing the help." (sound of screams) "We can't come to the phone right now because we're too busy hobnobbing and looking down on people. Please leave a message after the Vienna Boys' Choir rendition of Carmina Burana, which, incidentally, were flown in especially for this recording." that is some seriously funny shit right there, I swaar I adore you horz!!!
Aren't these things meant to be personal notes between so-called friends? I could see if this were a fan site putting up birthday wishes from fans and shit, but Bouncy's narcissistic ass actually put these on her website? Bitch, no one cares that these hoes sent you a note. I'm sure I can a bunch of celebrities to write shit for my birthday too...from ebay, but whatevs.
Submitted by islandgirl on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 5:04pm.
LOL. Do you know them personally by any chance?
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Who are you calling silly cow?
Oh geez Bey. I liked your music back in the day too. The last 5 years or so have just seemed like trying too hard and stunt-ish.
What happened to that famously *private* couple that didn't talk about their private lives? Now you're putting your birthday wishes from friends on the internet?
Sigh.
"on the occasion"? Can she be more pretentious and uppity?
Beyonce is a fugly cunt! Gwenyth is an insufferable hoe who spends her timeing hating herself while her husbands fucks anything w a soul. I'm sure he hates his life but doesn't have the balls to leave this hoe.
Submitted by saltydog88 on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 4:48pm.
She's not. She went to high school with my sorority sister who is a year younger. I'm 32.
People like the conspiracy though. :)
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
I bet she has one of those annoying voice mail messages where the whole family chimes in.
"Hi! You've reached the Paltrow-Martin family! I'm Gwennie!" "I'm Apple!" "And I'm Moses. Daddy is busy screwing the help." (sound of screams) "We can't come to the phone right now because we're too busy hobnobbing and looking down on people. Please leave a message after the Vienna Boys' Choir rendition of Carmina Burana, which, incidentally, were flown in especially for this recording."
BEEP!
@ SANS FARDS
LMFAO, at least now I have someone to share the pet peeve with!
This reminds me of...:
http://cityrag.com/2012/08/when-you-see-it/when-you-see-it-1/
Funniest thing I've seen all day!
That's not HALF as nauseating as posting all the birthday notes you received because you are the best human being on the entire planet, nay, the universe.
Please, please, please, Beyonce, post photos of your daily deuce so we can admire it and be so envious of its perfect form.
*eyeroll*
I always insist that my elementary-school-aged children join in my birthday wishes to my adult friends. We're all like family!
Submitted by lilac wine on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 4:36pm.
Second time turning 31?? Our MK is being too kind. I would guess third or fourth time.
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I don't think Beyonce lies about her age. She is 31, same age as my oldest brother (his birthday was last week). I being a wee little gay and liking Destiny's Child and she was the same age as he was back then.
Very very vommy
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"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles
UGH!
For Gwyneth, on the occasion you wrote something so damn dumb, we all fucking hate you.
love,
jealous fatties - dlisted
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
Co-sign.
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"If French is the language of love, then Spanish is the language of badassery!" -MK
I would fuck Dave Salmoni silly on the occasion of his birthday.
This would've been far better if she'd cut and pasted magazine letters, like those good old fashioned ransom notes.
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SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 09/04/2012 - 4:21pm.
I hate people who separate the tail of the Y from its branches.
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OMG. Now I am going to notice this and hate on it....forever more. GAH!
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SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!
Second time turning 31?? Our MK is being too kind. I would guess third or fourth time.
"Every time an asshole signs off with 'love and light,' hate and darkness eats a kitten." -MK
I think some of these narcissistic performers cope with a birthday by pretending they're celebrating it. Seems the older they get the bigger deal they make of it, like some therapy, instead of the normal everyday "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" expected reaction.