This Would’ve Never Happened To The Real Noah

There’s a good reason for why Russell Crowe looks like Bill Murray slowly morphing into Rob Reiner. Russell’s salty, pepawfied ass is playing the title role in Darren Aronofsky’s Noah and they’re currently shooting on Long Island. On Saturday afternoon, Russell to a break from playing an animal hoarder and went kayaking in Huntington Bay, New York with his personal trainer. Russell is obviously better at throwing phones than navigating, because they got lost and had to paddle to the nearest shore when the sun went down. Then at around 10pm, the U.S. Coast Guard were making their rounds when they heard Russell cursing out the sea for being a dumb bitch before throwing a phone (he made out of sand) at it. The Coast Guard picked Russell, his friend and their kayaks up and saved the day. But Russell totally denied on Twitter that he was lost (uh huh):

not lost,we knew where exactly where we were, paddling around from csh into wind, we ran out of day. Grand adventure eh @chris_feather ?

There are two things I learned from this: 1) It is possible for Russell Crowe’s ass to be the least hottest bitch in a picture. Dude looks like one of the Country Bears at Disneyland. 2) I hate any physical activity (besides eating foods and fapping), but maybe kayaking isn’t so bad. Because then you can get lost at sea and saved by Coast Guard dudes who look like that.

Twelve years ago, I’d tell you that Russell Crowe getting saved by hot Coast Guard dudes sounds like the beginning of a really good gay porn, but now…not so much.

Oh, and if you live on Long Island and are wondering why Donna D’Errico is wandering around, it’s because bitch is looking for Noah’s Ark.

via USWeekly