The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta’s head, he’s giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair’s cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl’s third beard wife.
Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy’s wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes‘ simple ass. Vanity Fair’s Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by “disrespecting” Scientology’s other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.
After Nicole Kidman’s marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who’d obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who’d keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige’s wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He’s Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy’s third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.
The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she’d been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the “suppressive person” title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.
On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy’s hotel suite, but they didn’t bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn’t make a 9″ dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin’s access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy’s production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy’s ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, “I get more love from an extra than I do from you.” Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra’s peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That’s real love.
Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy’s face, because they didn’t think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:
According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, “Excuse me?” when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication “land” is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, “Mr. Miscavige doesn’t remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.”)
Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn’t ever supposed to talk about being Tommy’s beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you’ve ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.
NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.
Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair’s story.
None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that’s not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy’s next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.