The rumor is that Heidi Klum’s bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin’s Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi’s rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it’s kind of hard kissing Heidi’s rose when Martin’s dick is shoved into it. Heidi’s cooch: one day you’re in, the next day you’re out, because the bodyguard’s up in there.
Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:
“Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there’s new people in their lives. I don’t expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there’s going to be somebody in their lives I’d much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would’ve preferred is if…um… I didn’t expect any better from him, I would’ve thought Heidi would’ve shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help.”
Heidi wouldn’t say if she’s fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don’t know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith’s tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she’s getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don’t know, but I do know that Seal’s next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.
Here’s Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.