Open Post: Hosted By Tan Mom Being A Sad, Slurry, Drunk Wreck
So much for that tan-under. Since Tan Mom is so used to getting roasted, Bianca Del Rio and Lady Bunny tried to roast her ass at an event called "Tan Mom at Hot Mess" at the gay club XL in NYC last night, but it's kind of impossible to roast something that keeps drunkenly falling off the grill while shouting at everybody. From the video (via Gawker), this doesn't look like a roast. It looks like a tragic performance art piece about the life and times of White Oprah.
On the red carpet before the roast, Tan Mom fell over and a source tells The Post that she attacked a drag queen. They eventually got her on stage, but once she was there she was incoherent, cursed bitches out and kept blabbering on about how she didn't put her kid in a tanning bed (cut to her kid locked in a tanning bed at home, because a locked tanning bed IS the best babysitter). It ended with Tan Mom getting kicked off the stage.
You should immediately download this video to your phone, because the next time one of your friends gets on your ass for being a sloppy drunk who is known to pass out on a McDonald's toilet after barfing into it, show them this. At least you don't get as messy as this mess.
• 
I don't get "drunk" anymore but when I did or if it happened randomly now, I tend to make jokes that I think are funny and I sit down and hold Mr. Fury's hand and watch the world go by (and then take a nap).
I'm not a badass but am much more dangerous sober than I would ever be when drunk.
Team Dumb Fun Drunks!
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Dark-sided!
One of my better college stories came at an end of the year formal for an unnamed association that I was a part of. I was in the lounge area of the rest room while a few gal friends were using the facilities. In an attempt to loosen the stiff start of the event, I made the executive decision to moon them once they came out. Problem was, I was wearing a cap-sleeved deep-v back dress with a fitted skirt. Split the bad boy right down the center.
After 20 minutes of hilarity and many safety pins thanks to the efforts of the country club staff, I was back in action. I awoke the following morning to hear a rather large group of association men serenading me with "Blue Moon" on my answering machine. *shakes head*
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Submitted by Migraine Sally on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 4:11pm.
*wipes tears* That was fucking fantastic!! My granny used to say, "The Good Lord loves drunks and fools!!" Stories like that show where that adage came from ROFL
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
@ Evil --
the memorial service a month later is such a nice idea!! it gives the loved ones another chance for "closure" and to maybe make remarks that they did not think of at the original services, another chance for people to gather around and give them support, more time to pull together photos and videos, and like you said people who did not have the finances/leave time/ability to travel still have a chance to be present to honor the departed. cool
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Spanx for that belly
Duck tape for the mouth
I'm sorry for the loss of your cousin, Evil Cupcake. The suddenness is even more heartbreaking. :-(
*hands Whamo large glass Rye.*
I like Manhattans so I like me a little rye.
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Dark-sided!
I've only ever been drunk ONCE in my entire life - in 2006, actually - and I was nowhere near this level of shitfacery. In fact, the worst thing I did that night was sing along to R. Kelly's "The World's Greatest". Humiliating enough, I reckon.
@Mel-Tang ROFLMMFAO puked on the chick in the back AAAAAHHAHAHAHAHA Awesome!! Too fucking funny!!
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Yay But.Seriously.Folks!! I'm glad you are ok! And I'm glad to hear you are working on your marriage. I'm trying to work on mine too, but my husband keeps ruining it by being an ass. Sigh. I hope you're having better luck than I am. Lol
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
My Dad told a story about a party they had in high school (1950's) where one of his buddies got dumped by his girlfriend and proceeded to get wasted on orange flavored gin. He was absolutely trashed since he drank so much of it and so quickly, and they were afraid he was going to get alcohol poisoning, so they mixed up a bunch of stuff from the kitchen into a wretched slurry, and took him into the bathroom and made him drink it. Then they shut the door as he proceeded to yak out the entire contents of his stomach. So, after some time, his retching turned into unholy screams of panic and help me help me's. They opened up the door and found him screaming and crying that he could not walk and that he was paralyzed, couldn't get up, legs wouldn't work, etc.
He was so wasted that he did not realize that the toilet seat had fallen down around his neck while he was crouched over the toilet and he kept trying to get up, but was trapped.
Funniest story, EVAH. And then my Dad would tell us that if we ever got that drunk, he would kick our ass.
BWHAHAHAHA, the pictures are fucking AWESOME!! Damn, homegirl was FUCKED UP.. hahahhaa, i cant stop looking at the thumbs, this shit is priceless.
Tequilla makes me violent. Like bam bam said, pick fights with gangsters type of violent.
I steer clear of that shit.
DianaDeath: A few days ago my friend Mitch told me he was assigned to do the lighting for this shit show (his reaction: "I guess I've finally arrived"). I said, "TAN MOM?? Exactly what is this bitch doing that requires lighting?" and now I know!!
Haha, that's awesome!
Submitted by girlfromipanema on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:48pm.
JMO- Most of the shit she's saying to you is shit she didn't get to say to him, or wishes she could say to him. She's not over him, or over the pain. She NEEDS to do the mature thing and move on and REALLY focus on her child's welfare, but she's not there yet. So, take whatever she has to say with a grain of salt, and know that it's really intended for him, and not for you. Since that WAS their relationship, you have to let her have her say a bit, kind of go along to get along, but if it gets too much for you, tell her straight, "I'm not going to re-hash your relationship, this is what's going on now, and we all have to be bigger people for the sake of little one. What can I do to help little one?" Whatever she says, try to steer her back on track and help her focus. If she wants to get uppity and heated, you don't have to deal with that shit, that's why their lawyers made money.
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:43pm.
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Tequila for you eh, for me it's Rye, I've mentioned this before but when I get like that my friends call me Rye guy.
If a buddy pulls me aside looks me in the eye and says hey...Rye Guy... then I know I'm starting to get the "look" I apperently get when I'm going to do something crazy.
PUKE AND RALLY!
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:41pm.
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:36pm.
@ Whamo
I thought Tequila was ultimate panty remover?
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Good lord you don't don't give women Tequila, I want to get laid not pegged!!
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God. Women and tequila, brrrrrrrrrrrr. That stuff will make 'em rob gas stations and pick fights with gangbangers. Make us flinch when you try to touch us the next day. Tequila is bad juju for the girls.
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
I am addicted to the Song Pop app.
Someone help me. I need an intervention.
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:57pm.
Awww, thanks Foxxy.
Yes, my mom is doing really well and well on the road to being healthy again.
It was really comforting to see how well my cousin's children were dealing with her death, and it made the rest of the family feel not so badly that she died so suddenly. The funeral is out of the way, but there is a memorial service next month for the relatives that could not make it to the visitation/funeral last week. Then things will be back to normal.
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:58pm.
hi - glad you're ok. what are conditions like in your neighborhood?
and good luck with the marriage situation!!
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Lmfao @ all of the shitfaced stories.
The worst I ever got was when I went to a semi-formal in College. It was on a Friday night, and we started drinking around 2 pm that day after classes were over. We headed over to the hotel where it was being held, and immediately got our 'formal' pictures taken (my best friend and I were so out of it that we said we were each other's date, and had ours taken together. I still have them, Lol). I was having fun until the room started spinning. I ran to the bathroom to puke, but all of the stalls were taken. So I hurled at the entrance and got vomit on the floor and sprayed some other girls that were fixing their hair in the process. Two of my friends had to take me home, and while my sober friend was driving, I threw up out the passenger window. It hit my other friend in the back seat, went all over the floor, and I also got it on my (borrowed) dress. They got me back to the dorm, and I slept until almost 9pm Sunday night. My roommate said she thought I was dead. :(
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
anno & mefuni...LOL! & ITA.
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"I think my butt looks too big in these jeans."
Team No to Gin. Team No to Scotch too.
there was a specific drunken event that turned me off of scotch. i still have a gallon of Johnny Walker Black purchased decades ago, seal intact. used to love it, now my stomach turns if i walk by it at a store
the juniper odor of regular gin turns my stomach. never have touched it. sloe gin is a different story
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by luvsmekitty on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:58pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:54pm.
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I puked underneath a table at a bar. And kept on partying, so...hell yeah! And TG it was before everyone and their fuckin' brother had a camera at the ready.
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And a big AMEN!! to that!!
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
I think I'm dressing up like this ho for Halloween. These pictures are fucking epic.
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
I feel like there's something wrong with me for saving those legs akimbo pictures but I am planning to send them to people when they've annoyed me particularly, or Halloween.
Are we certain Tan Mom didn't put up Tara Reid for adoption?
That would explain a lot.
Hey hos!
I survived Hurricane Isaac! Is this like the third time I've busted into a Open Post to announce "I survived Hurricane {insert name here}"?! I'm hanging in there marriage wise too. Still kind of a mess, but I'm making an effort to work things out.
Submitted by Kizzy on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:54pm.
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I puked underneath a table at a bar. And kept on partying, so...hell yeah! And TG it was before everyone and their fuckin' brother had a camera at the ready.
@Evil Cupcake -
was reading the other thread -- condolences for your loss and hope your mom is doing better
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
This is not the first rodeo for this cunt. She's had some practice. Methinks the tanning bed is the least harmful thing her kid has to deal with.
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"You're gonna be a grandma, bitch!"
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:43pm.
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:38pm.
I've been that drunk before - many times
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That's my good Irish lass, I knew I loved ya for a reason:D
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Thank you.
*blushes*
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Dark-sided!
The last time I partied with gin, me and the ex drank a whole bottle. I became so intoxicated that I threw up everything I had drank, and for a whole day I threw up stuff I didn't know where it was coming from, even if I drank water I would vomit. So, I join the no gin for me team :P
“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”
― Thomas Jefferson
Honestly, who HASN'T been this shitfaced before? In my 20's, was NOTHING to go to the club, go outside and puke in the parking lot, then go back in and drink some more. If you've done it, can I get a HELL YEAH?
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"I am not doing your fucking maneuvers."-Croc
"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.K "We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard ♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
OMGMK!
A few days ago my friend Mitch told me he was assigned to do the lighting for this shit show (his reaction: "I guess I've finally arrived"). I said, "TAN MOM?? Exactly what is this bitch doing that requires lighting?" and now I know!!
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"If French is the language of love, then Spanish is the language of badassery!" -MK
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-Submitted by chewinsmoke on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:33pm.
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:23pm.
She is feeling NO pain! I've only been that drunk, once. It was on gin martinis. Thank god there was no photos taken that night.
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Oh shit! I CANNOT drink gin. The last time I was as jacked up as this trick I was on the gin. Gin and tonics, I believe.
My husband had to come pick me up from the bar because I got really belligerent with my best friends, telling them what a bunch of cunts and bitches they were. When we got home, I ordered a pizza from Papa John's with EVERY SINGLE TOPPING they had on it. The pizza came and the bill was $57 - for one pizza that weighe about twenty pounds. Thank god that was before the internet.
So no - no gin for me.
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Team no gin for me.
I become a boorish lout that no one can stand when i drink that stuff. Whiskey too. Can anybody tell a positive story that begins with "we drank a bottle of Jack Daniels . . ."
That is so funny, Chewinsmoke.
My first job in high school was at a popular, family owned restaurant known for their pizzas. The offered about 30 different pizza toppings from shrimp, to feta cheese, to roasted garlic. People would call up and ask for a pizza with everything, and we'd be like, "I don't think you understand..."
This is for the moms out there (particularly divorced moms).
My man's ex says she wants to talk to me since I spend time with her child (understandable). However, she always back tracks and ends up saying she doesn't want to speak to me. In reality, it seems like she's more concerned with talking about me and my man's relationship and how I "ruined her marriage" than talking to me so we're on the same page regarding her child. It's coming to a head now because me and my man are about to move in together. Should I say something to her (I was thinking email) What should I say?
I don't have any mom friends I can talk to. Help!
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:41pm.
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:36pm.
@ Whamo
I thought Tequila was ultimate panty remover?
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Good lord you don't don't give women Tequila, I want to get laid not pegged!!
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LOL!
I was thinking how embarassing, but what else were they expecting her to do? Please if there is a God this woman won't become famous from being a tanned, drunk, ugly mess :( :(
“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”
― Thomas Jefferson
Wow....she was feeling no pain...lol. I love the pics of her falling down and just sitting on the red carpet laughing. I had a few of those moments in College, but now I HATE the taste of alchohol. Wish there was a little (legal) pill I could take that would make me feel like that. Haha. :P
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:41pm.
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:36pm.
Good lord you don't don't give women Tequila, I want to get laid not pegged!!
lmfao. see also my previous comment
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by luvsmekitty on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:41pm
Yeah, I remember them asking me, "Are you sure? Everything?"
And I said, "Yes, goddammit, everything!!!"
Your avi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *swoon*
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
at least she has underwear on, thank the Lord for small favors
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:41pm.
Good lord you don't don't give women Tequila, I want to get laid not pegged!!
.............
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
there's a man who knows his womens.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Submitted by chewinsmoke on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:33pm.
I got really belligerent with my best friends, telling them what a bunch of cunts and bitches they were.
lol, i develop that ability after tequila shots...
@DiamondDogs:
whoa, that is a scary story! live like a rock star, but never die like one
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:38pm.
I've been that drunk before - many times
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That's my good Irish lass, I knew I loved ya for a reason:D
Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:38pm.
Yes, every single topping. Anchovies, artichokes, pineapple, etc. - you name it, it was on there.
My husband was so pissed. He gave me so much shit for that - I suppose rightfully so. And my friends were like "WTF?????" LOL - we had just came from a Mary Kay party too and stopped at the bar for some drinks. I did a complete Jekkyl and Hyde.
The gin iz bad.
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 3:36pm.
@ Whamo
I thought Tequila was ultimate panty remover?
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Good lord you don't don't give women Tequila, I want to get laid not pegged!!