Surprise, Surprise, Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook

That dude is totally thinking to himself, “I know this bitch is going to blame me for something.”

Another Lindsay Lohan mug shot won’t grace the wall of achievement in White Oprah’s den, because the D.A. in Los Angeles has pushed that jewel heist case off of their desks and they won’t charge her and she won’t get arrested. Prosecutors tell E! News that there’s just not any evidence to charge anybody with thieving and they can’t charge LiLo with shit, because California just isn’t equipped with enough medical professional to deal with all the shocked hos who will have a heart attack that if LiLo actually goes to jail for longer than 5 seconds. One of the prosecutors said this to E!:

“We do not have sufficient evidence to prove this case beyond a reasonable doubt. One of the suspects makes a vague admission that he and the others were there, and that ‘someone’ took something but is not more specific than that. The fact that our suspects are found in a car that is similar to the one seen at the time of the burglary adds little to the case. In addition to these evidentiary insufficiencies, the [victims] do not wish to pursue the prosecution of this matter.”

Sam Magid, the “victim,” first said that some thieving thief snatched $100,000 worth of watches and then he changed his mind and said that nothing was taken. I wonder why (cut to me doing the “licking the tip while giving a handy” move).  TMZ says that LiLo’s got Sam wrapped around her snortin’ finger and he texted her with: “I officially told Detective Rodriguez you can’t take anything from me cause what’s mine is yours.” Sam is apparently in love with that mess and he promised to fight for her.

Wait, so a multi-millionaire has crack smoke hearts in his eyes for LiLo and she’s trying to steal some stupid watches from his ass? This bitch is really trying to redefine the meaning of dumb. LiLo has a rich ass bitch who is obviously out of his mind in her freckled paws and she’s not trying to trick him into eloping with her without a prenup? When you see a baby with candy in its hand, you’re not supposed just take its candy. You’re supposed to trick the baby into eloping with you without a prenup so you can get your hands on ALL of its candy. Everybody knows that! I swear, LiLo needs to have several seats and reevaluate all the shitty choices she’s made as a con artist.