Rosie O’Donnell Got Married

August 27, 2012 / Posted by:

All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O’Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type “knot,” but klit came out and so I’m keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O’Donnell became a wife for the very first second time.

In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can’t get a husband.

Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:

my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people

we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
luckily -
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
things grow
like love and flowers
humans too

so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us

when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times

If Rosie recited one of her “poems” during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she’s a truly dedicated gold digger or she’s willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it’s made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.

Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it’s only August, so there’s room for many more. And yes, that’s me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.

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