Kleptohan Is A Suspect In That Jewelry Heist

Like nobody saw this mess coming, but TMZ says that the LAPD think that known crackburglar Lindsay Lohan and her assistant Gavin Doyle are the ones who snatched $100,000 in watches and sunglasses during an all-night crack party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills last week. Because duh, when shit goes missing, that bitch snatched it. The next time one of my She-Ra socks goes missing from the dryer, I’m just going to put the blame on LiLo. It will be a fact.

When the police tried to interview LiLo at the house the morning after the theft, she pretty much flashed an F U nail at them and denied that she had anything to do with it. The owner of the house Sam Magid originally told the cops that he thought two of LiLo’s friends did it, but later on he changed his story and said nothing was stolen. Even though Sam says that no crime was committed, the police are still investigating the theft and LiLo and Gavin are the two main suspects, because two independent witnesses saw some incriminating shit. The LAPD contacted LiLo’s lawyer to schedule an interview, but she told them to eff off again.

LiLo is still on probation for that other jewel theft case, so if she’s charged with anything, she could go directly to jail. To which, Lady Justice responded with: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My guess is that Sam and LiLo were in on some insurance scam together, but when the police started sniffing too much, Sam called the whole thing off. Or LiLo did snatch those watches and when the police started sniffing too much, she gave the jewelry back and threatened to give Sam a hand job if he went to the cops. I’ve won a few games of Clue: The VCR Mystery Game, so I know what I’m talking about.

But really, another jewel heist? LiLo already stole some jewelry. You’d think she would’ve moved on to bigger shit like a bank robbery, a Ponzi scheme or an e-mail scam or something. But she’s staying a small time trick. Dumb bitch isn’t even growing as a criminal!