Instead of taking my Prego jar full of loose coins (I call them loose coins, not because I found them in my pockets, but because they’re really slutty) to Coinstar this weekend, I took it directly to Barney’s and emptied it into the crystal Suri Cruise Foundation bowl next to each cash register. Because Suri Cruise is only getting $33,000 a month from Tommy Girl and so she needed our help more than ever or she would’ve been forced to wear the same pair of Jimmy Choos twice in one week. But everything has changed, because Katie Holmes has millions of dollars worth of jewels and handbags she can pawn off to keep Suri’s feet slathered in luxury.
Radar says that every time Tommy bought himself a canary diamond-encrusted butt dildo, he bought Katie a piece of jewelry, so she has a ton of expensive pieces. Even though Katie didn’t get a pile of money in her divorce settlement, Tommy let her keep all of the jewelry he gave her like a solid gold ball gag, platinum handcuffs, a pure onyx ball with chain and a cashmere computer cover that he’d put over her head at night so dust wouldn’t get into her ears and screw up her internal hard drive. The source type put it like this:
“Tom was extremely generous to Katie with lavish gifts during their marriage and she will be keeping millions of dollars of jewelry, Hermes handbags and other luxurious items. Tom gave Katie diamond earrings as a birthday gift one year that easily cost over $500k and he had custom design pieces made for her. Under terms of the divorce, Katie is keeping all of the jewelry, handbags, accessories, and designer clothing. What she does with it is up to her. For the time being, the jewels are being kept in a very safe place and knowing Katie, it’s likely she will one day give them to Suri once she is old enough.
Katie was never with Tom for the money. When it came time for the divorce, she just wanted it to be done quickly and with as little disruption to Suri’s life as possible. Suri has always been Katie’s number one priority and concern. During the divorce settlement talks Katie just wanted to make sure that she and her daughter would be taken care of from a financial standpoint.”
Give them to Suri? Like Suri wants to wear used shit.
Tommy put a tracking device in every single one of those pieces of jewelry, so Katie should pawn half of them and then she should invite Lindsay Lohan over, so that crackburglar can steal the other half by shoving all those jewels up her cooch. Let those tracking devices lead Tommy straight up into LiLo’s chocha. If that doesn’t destroy him, I don’t know what will.
And everything is right in the world. Suri is rich again and Katie has once again realized that her daughter is much too delicate to walk on the same ground that mortal peons walk on. Suri should ALWAYS be looking down at the world.