Tommy Is FINALLY Free Of Katie!

August 22, 2012 / Posted by:

Remember the old days when Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s manufactured smiles would make our genitals run up into our bodies and cling to our insides? It’s safe for your genitals to come back out again, because those days are officially over now that Tommy has ripped up their marriage license, threw the pieces into a stone bowl, added a little oil and muddled into a thick lube that he rubbed all over his Scientolohole and then humped away the pain he got from losing another beard. People says that less than two months after Katie filed for divorce, a judge in New York signed off on it and finalized that shit. The FREE KATIE mission is complete.

As everybody already knows, in the divorce settlement, Katie gets full control of her brain, a lump sum, child support and full custody of Scientology’s former golden child Suri. Tommy gets to visit Suri as long as he doesn’t try to kidnap her, drag to wherever the old Star Trek: The Experience ride is housed and teleport her to the Galactic Confederacy headquarters on the planet Htrae.

We should praise Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo from Earth Girls Are Easy (they’re Scientology’s demigods, right?), because Tommy is finally free and no longer has to drag around an insubordinate beard who frowns when he calls her “Kate” and gets all whiny when he tells her that it’s time to complete the transformation by getting a robot lobotomy. Katie was so annoying. Every time Tommy’s Grindr app on his iPhone froze up and he had to take it to the Genius Bar, Katie would step into that Apple store and run away screaming thinking she was there to get her human brain replaced with OS X Garfield (or whatever the name of the latest OS is). That is all behind him now.

Now Tommy can focus on finding a beard who keeps it professional and isn’t going to ruin his non-stop sauna orgy party by trying to take down Scientology. I hear Kristen Stewart might be available and her head is already empty, so she’s halfway to a robot lobotomy.

And here’s two sets of pictures of Suri with Katie in NYC yesterday. In one set, Suri’s bitching out the paps with her face. In the other set, Suri’s wearing one of Endora’s favorite house dresses while doing kid stuff at a place where you do kid stuff.

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