Nicki Minaj will be a judge on American Idol over Mimi’s exquisitely preserved dead body lying in a Hello Kitty coffin covered with bouquets made of butterfly wings. Nicki is apparently the frontrunner to replace Steven Tyler on American iDull, because the producers believe this season they’ll get a huge amount of contestants who sound like possessed, constipated hyenas when they rap and Nicki is the only one who can accurately judge them. But Mimi does not approve and wants to be the only one with a vagina (there goes the Kanye rumor) at the judge’s table. Basically, Mimi is being Mimi.
Mimi slammed her opulent pink French phone down when the producers of Idol called to tell her that they’re thinking of Fraggle-ing up the table by adding Nicki. That’s what TMZ says anyway. Their source says that Mimi wants to be the only female judge, and also wants to be the only one who looks like a human Poochie doll. The producers kind of agree with Mimi and if they hire Nicki, they’re also going to hire a second dude judge to even out the peen to poon ratio. The producers are also afraid that they’ll lose the KKK demographic if all of the judges are black, so they’re also talking to Keith Urban, Brad Paisley and Enrique Iglesias.
The producers shouldn’t worry about dumb racist Americans, because Nicki will be completely white by the time shooting starts in a couple of months.
But seriously, next season of American Idol should be all about the judges and only the judges. Who cares about those singing brats with guitars who want to fulfill their dreams of having the #165 album on Amazon and becoming the #8 musical act on the county fair circuit. Once you’ve seen one singing brats stupid dreams come true, you’ve seen them all. All cameras should be focused only on the judge’s table, because when Mimi and Nicki eventually rip each other apart until all that’s left is a pink weave track and a puddle of liquid glitter, I need to see it from every angle.