Avril Lavigne Is Engaged To The Singer From Nickelback (This Is Your Cue To Laugh Until You Cry)

August 21, 2012 / Posted by:

The only way to follow-up a post about the existence of God is with a post about the existence of Lucifer. The devil is alive and has a really messed up way of screwing with our souls, because he has joined Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger together in an unholy union of suck. No, August 21st is not Canadian April Fool’s Day. I already checked and checked again.

Sometime before February, Avril Lavigne stopped boning Bruce Jenner’s son (Happy birthday, Brody!) and made the Canadian embassy in Hell cackle with laughter by getting on Chad Kroeger. Their rep tells People that the two Canadian ear killers got close while working on a song together six months ago and now they’re engaged to be married. Chad gave Avril a 14-carat diamond ring on August 8th. This will be 37-year-old Chad’s first marriage and 27-year-old Avril’s second.

I was going to say that this is about as random as a ferret hugging a dildo, but this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the Affliction cum rag of music. And anybody who owns an Ed Hardy trucker cap definitely owns an Affliction cum rag, because the two go together perfectly. But for why are they engaged after only 6 months? Please don’t tell me she’s knocked up, because I’m really not ready for the Antichrist to rip apart the earth’s crust by making the worst music civilization has ever heard.

It’s truly the end of days, because you know Ke$hit will be the maid of honor, Justin Bieber will officiate, Scott Stapp will be best man and Avril and Chad will register at Hot Topic. Oh here go hell come.

And the scariest words in the English language are officially: Avril Kroeger. I’m pretty sure that was the full name of the devil’s first born.

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