Rosie O'Donnell's Had A Heart Attack Last Week
The world almost lost Rosie O'Donnell last week and it was all because (not really) she helped a fellow fat lady out of her car last week in a parking lot in Nyack, NY. In one of her signature jacked up haiku-ish type blog posts, Rosie O wrote today that she had a heart attack last week and all of her heart attack woes started when a fat lady in a parking lot asked her to a help a bitch out. The lady couldn't get out of her car and so Rosie grabbed onto her and pulled her out. Rosie's good deed ended with a stent in her heart.
Rosie says that once she got home after helping a ho out, she started to feel the same way Melania Trump feels when Donald asks her to give his taint a tongue bath. Rosie felt vommy and clammy and eventually threw up. Rosie tried to diagnose herself with the help of the Internet and when she Googled "women's heart attack symptoms," the first thing that came up was an article titled: "Did you just stare at gloriously beautiful bikini pictures of the Spanish dandelion that is the Duchess of Alba, because that will make you weak in the heart!"
After Rosie O couldn't really find anything on the Internet, she downed a Bayer and ignored the pain. When Rosie went to her cardiologist the next day, she found out that she had a heart attack.
i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US
by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in
my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here
know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
Rosie's rep tells People that she is really lucky and is now resting at home.
That gross feeling that feels like slime crawling all over your skin is Donald Trump running his bloated fingers through the pile of deep fried Sasquatch pubes on his head while smugly smiling over this. I bet that fat ho in need WAS Donald Trump in disguise.
And you know, Rosie's story makes me feel so much better about ignoring strangers who ask for my help. Nothing good can come from helping strangers.