After what felt like years of promoting Oprah’s EXCLUSIVO interview with RiRi, OWN finally aired the whole thing last night and a huge chunk of it was spent on talking about the shit-filled piece of trash who nearly punched her to death on a side street in Los Angeles. As the Mighty O hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed some more, RiRi said that Chris Brown was the love of her life and she has forgiven him for Ike Turner-ing her hard. RiRi said that in forgiving Fist Brown, she also forgave her father for beating up her mom when she was a kid. Shit got so real that it made me wonder where psychotherapist/talk show host Marilyn Kagan was when we really needed her, because RiRi should’ve been sitting on a therapist’s couch and not Oprah’s couch.
The “Rage of Fist Brown” section of Oprah’s interview with RiRi was like something out of the script of a Lifetime movie starring Nancy McKeon. Here’s a few quotes:
On what her relationship with Chris Brown is like now: “We’ve been working on our friendship again. Now we’re very, very close friends. We’ve built a trust again and that’s it. We love each other and we probably always will. That’s not anything we’re going to try to change. That’s not something you can shut off if you’ve ever been in love.”
On if they’re humping on each other full-time: “No. He’s in a relationship of his own. I’m single, but we have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped. We’ve just worked on it little by little and it has not been easy. It’s not easy.”
On seeing Chris Brown’s ugly popped hemorrhoid face: “It’s awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it’s not going to go away. That is peaceful. When you don’t understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes.”
On if Chris Brown is one of the loves of her life: “Absolutely, I think he was the love of my life. He was the first love and I see that he loved me the same way. We were very young and very spontaneous. We ran free. We ran wild. We were falling in love and going at a really rapid pace and we forgot about ourselves as individuals.
On how she wants Chris Brown to be happy: “I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I’m not at peace if he’s a little unhappy or if he’s still lonely. I care. It actually matters that he finds that peace.”
On forgiving Chris Brown: “I thought I hated Chris and I realized it was love that wash tarnished. It looked like hate, because it was ugly, angry and inflamed. It was tainted. And I realize that what it was, I had to forgive him, because I cared about him still. The minute I let go of that, I started living again.”
“We have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped” is a line I hope I never EVER have to say to anyone including Oprah’s ass, because DAMN. (“But Michael, don’t you hope that one day you can say that after Anderson Cooper drops the restraining order he has out against you?” – you “Like that’s ever going to happen.” – me “Good point.” – you)
It’s nice that RiRi forgave Chris Brown and that her heart still poots out queefs of love in his name, but it’s kind of hard to forgive a bitch who isn’t sorry at all. If this was an interview between Oprah and Chris Brown and she asked him if he’s sorry for what he did, the next thing we’d hear is Gayle King running up with an ice pack after he headbutted Oprah for getting into his life like that. And usually headbutting an interviewer means that the answer to their question is: NO.
And here’s RiRi strolling through the airport in Tokyo the other day while looking like the member of a Midi, Maxi & Efti tribute band.