Blair Warner Will Make Her Triumphant Return To TV In Survivor: Philippines

August 20, 2012 / Posted by:

If you just said out loud, “Who is Blair Warner”, then please quit the fifth grade immediately (because the only reasonable explanation for not knowing who Blair Warner is that you’re like 10 years old) and educate yourself on the history of Blair Warner by watching reruns of The Facts of Life on The Hub all day. It is the only education you need.

Blair Warner was always my favorite Facts of Life trick, because she was a snobby rich bitch who was the OG (Original GOOP) and probably lezzed out with Jo from time to time. Lisa Whelchel, who played Blair for the entire run, pretty much quit Hollywood after The Facts of Life ended and became a stay-at-home mom and good Christian wife. When Lisa isn’t homeschooling her kids or spreading the word of the lord on her website, she’s writing parenting books and one of the parenting books she wrote a few years ago got a lot of hate. Hating bitches called it Mommie Dearest II and said that the forms of punishment Lisa uses on her kids are like air kisses to Child Protective Services. Here’s a piece from my favorite customer review from Barnes & Noble:

In the Whelchel household, big people can hit little people (although Whelchel insists on using the euphemism ‘spanking’ rather than admitting the plain fact that she does indeed physically hit her children). She even forces her children to recite little rote memorized prayers thanking God for blessing them a Mommy who spanks. (p. 265) But one gets the distinct impression that in the Whelchel household, spankings are designed to meet Mommy’s needs and serve Mommy’s convenience, not the child’s a good example on page 287 has Whelchel’s daughter coming downstairs after her bedtime to complain of pains in her legs. But Lisa Whelchel’s immediate response is simply to threaten her with a spanking for being out of bed. But while big people can hit little people, little people, despite the violent behavior modeled to them by their elders, may not hit each other. When they do, Whelchel recommends forcing the hitter to wear boxing gloves the entire day without taking them off. When the child has difficulty performing routine tasks such as brushing teeth or eating, Whelchel exhorts her readers to further humiliate the child by making a home video of the spectacle.

That’s our Blair Warner! And now Blair Warner will be finding ways to restrain herself from using her spanking hand on all the overgrown brats on Survivor: Philippines. CBS announced the full cast today and it includes Blair, former Dodger Jeff Kent, a sex therapist and a lesbian from Arkansas.

This is going to be a mess and I really hope that at one point, Lisa entertains her tribe mates by giving them an acoustic beach version of her hit song Good Girl:

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