Shia LaDouche Is Doing Fancy Porn Next

August 17, 2012 / Posted by:

It was either that picture above or a picture of Shia LaDouche’s wet baby thumb peen. I went with this picture, because how can I resist a picture of Shia giving us Buffalo Bill meets “I always depend on the kindness of strangers” realness?

Shia LaDouche is done making big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, because for some reason he’s sick of studio executives finger fucking him in the ass and controlling every little thing. Crazy, right? Shia says that he’s tired of getting knuckled in the butt, but I guess he can’t totally stay away from getting knuckled, because in his next movie, he’s going to get knuckled literally. Maybe!

During an interview with MTV (via Complex), Shia talked about his next movie, Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac, and he promises that he’s going to get down in some real ass. Shia says, “It is what you think it is. There’s a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says, we’re doing [the sex] for real. And anything that is ‘illegal’ will be shot in blurred images. But other than that, everything is happening.” 

Nymphomaniac isn’t a biopic about Gerard Butler. It’s some fancy two-part art shit that follows a woman’s sex life from her young years all the way up to her horny old ho years. Charlotte Gainsbourg plays the woman and the movie also stars Shia, Nicole Kidman, Willem Dafoe and Stellan Skarsgård.

I’m looking at the words “real sex” and then at the cast list and all I can type is: NOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOO OOO OO OOOOOO!!!! This is Lars Von Trier we’re talking about, so it’s not going to be some hot sex times either. It’s going to be some depraved, disturbing shit. It’s going to make you skip the shower and go directly to your garage where your water tank is. This is why water tanks should have lids. So you can just jump inside and fully submerge the sucio images in your brain. I bet Lars’ movie will include a tribute to Lemon Party starring Shia, Willem and Stellan. Okay, that might be kind of hot.

And I pity the whore who will lie down with Shia and wake up with dick fleas.

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