Olivier Sarkozy And Mary-Kate Olsen Are Moving In Together

People who live on East 10th Street in NYC’s East Village will soon hear naked virgins scream out the words “A TODDLER TROLL IS TRYING TO EAT MY BLOOD! HELP HELP! I mean, FIRE FIRE!” as they run down the street, because 26-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen is moving into the neighborhood with her French dadfriend. 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy has been nibbling on Mary-Kate’s troll twat for a few months now and they will continue to gross us all out, because they’re taking their love to the next level by moving in together.

Page Six says that Olivier has paid $6.25 million for a 4,200 square foot townhouse that was built in the olden times. Olivier will own the East Village’s new house of horrors, but apparently Mary-Kate approves of it and likes it because it’s old. (Too easy.) Curbed has pictures of the townhouse and we really should admire it before the walls are covered in the screams of the innocent, goat nutsacks and posters from past Olsen movies. That last one is the most terrifying, I know.

All shade aside, I’m happy (not really) that a 42-year-old French dude who looks like a 52-year-old French dude and a 26-year-old girl who looks like an 8-year-old dressed up as Snow White’s old witch have found love in a hopeless place. And note to Ryan Murphy, you now have your plot for the third season of American Horror Story.