Jennifer Lawrence Is Not Kristen Stewart

August 16, 2012 / Posted by:

If Kristen Stewart always had a red shirt-wearing, middle finger-throwing pap hater by her side at all times, the paparazzi would’ve never gotten pictures of her rubbing her butt cakes against a married man’s crotch. Learn from Jennifer Lawrence, KStew!

If you’re a skeezy married director who thinks that every white girl star of a major franchise will happily  let you munch on her box in a Mini Cooper, think again. In an extremely accurate and totally truthful report from Radar, a source says that Jennifer Lawrence is telling her friends that she would never ever pull a heartless slut move by cheating on her boyfriend (aka that little kid from About A Boy). Yes, Katniss lifted her nose and looked down at that sparkle betrayer Bella as she said this to her friends:

“Jennifer has a healthy rivalry with Kristen, but she thinks that the cheating scandal she got caught up in could have been avoided. Recently, although she didn’t say Kristen’s name directly, she couldn’t resist having a subtle dig at her rival. She told a group of friends that she would never two-time Nicholas. Jennifer then went on to say that she has received attention from many older men, especially powerful movie directors in the past, and would never want to jeopardize her career by getting involved with a married man. She was clearly referring to Kristen’s liaison with Rupert.”

You should never ever say “I’d never ever.” You don’t know what can happen.

What if Jennifer Lawrence lost everything just as civilization is almost destroyed by an unknown apocalyptic event (example: like Sarah Palin winning presidency in 2016). What if the rich overtook the poors, dissolved all the states and set up districts. What if every year, the richies kept us poors in check by making us fight it out to the death in some reality show. What if Jennifer Lawrence is picked for that reality show of death and aligns herself with a dude who has vowed to help her win the game. What if some science lab-made mosquito bit her ally in the crotch and the only way to get the venom out and save him from death is to suck it out through his peen. Technically, sucking on a peen is cheating, so is Jennifer Lawrence not going to do it? Is she going to say, “I would never EVER cheat on my boyfriend even if it means that civilization will eventually die a slow, terrible death because I didn’t.” Jennifer Lawrence is really going to let down an entire people?! Ugh, we’re doomed and all because that goody goody won’t suck the poison out of a dick that doesn’t belong to her boyfriend.

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