Vanessa Bryant Only Marries Champions, Thankyouverymuch

August 15, 2012 / Posted by:

New York Magazine’s The Cut has an entire article on the NBA’s most fashionable wives and it’s basically just a platform for a bunch of gold-plated hos to fart drop the names on all the labels on all the designer clothes hanging in a closet that is twice the size of my apartment. It’s just the 1% reminding us poors that their queefs are made by the same perfumers who make  Chanel No. 5. But what’s extra special about this article is that they talk to one of my personal heroes and gold digging icons Vanessa Bryant, seen above looking Kuntrashian-like while posing with her dog Gucci. Bitch WOULD have a dog named Gucci.

The Cut tells us that Kobe Bryant’s wife prefers to keep her personal life personal and she’d rather hump on her 8.5 carat diamond ring than hump on fame. Even though Vanessa hates the spotlight since the spotlight dries out the skin she slathers blended fetus cream on every night, she will lend her ultra famous name to foundations she cares about. (Example: During Kobe’s latest cheating scandal, Vanessa leaked stories to the press to benefit her #GetMoneyBitch Foundation. So giving.)

Vanessa talks about Khloe Kardashian, her marriage and how she’d never be married to Kobe if he didn’t win championships. Such a role model to me:

On how Birkin bags are for kids: “I’ve collected Birkin bags, Chanel 2.55 jumbo flap bags, and the Marc Jacobs Stephen Sprouse collection for Louis Vuitton since I was a teenager. But now, as they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin or a regular size 2.55 bag in black, taupe, or beige. I’ve been sticking to a magenta suede Proenza Schouler bag.”

On how she’s SO real, because she doesn’t have a nanny and takes care of her kids by herself: “I’m up at 6:30 in the morning with my kids. I’m taking them wherever they need to go.”

On how she’s not about to get mauled by a Sasquatch: “Khloé was at my 29th birthday. I don’t get involved in the drama. I’ve been with Kobe since I was 17, so I’ve seen plenty of players, and plenty of wives, come and go. It wouldn’t benefit me whatsoever to have an issue with any of them, whether they were a girlfriend, or a wife, a person-of-a-month, or … you know. And I think that’s why the Lakers as an organization give me the access that I have, that other wives don’t have.”

On how she’s so special that they let her sashay into the tunnel after games: “If you notice, I am the only one allowed in that tunnel. I don’t like standing outside and giving him a kiss in front of all the cameras. So I stand in there to get away from them. But then the cameras end up following. And if the girls are there, sometimes, that’s their kiss good night for Daddy, and when he comes home, they’re asleep.”

On her marriage with Kobe: “We’re working on things.”

On how her husband sticking his wandering peen in any and every trick is okay, but losing a championship isn’t: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”

As they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin bag.” Who is the “they” bitch that says this? I don’t own a stupid ass Birkin bag and I know my mom doesn’t own a stupid ass Birkin bag. I don’t even think my mom knows what a Birkin bag is. She probably thinks it’s a bag you keep your Birkenstocks in or a bag you barf into when you stare at Cheryl Burke’s face too long. I don’t know. But I guess you aren’t the “every” or the “one” in everyone if you don’t own a Birkin bag. Vanessa Bryant should be a guest editor for GOOP.

And now Kobe knows that if he wants to get rid of Vanessa Bryant, he just has to throw a championship game.

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