That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I’d probably wear it all the damn time. It’s that perfect.
The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don’t realize that they’re wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he’s obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis’ Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.
Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn’t driving the Porsche. George’s really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is “batshit crazy” (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody’s front yard and said, “Nashville.” George didn’t stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:
Cop: What’s your address?
Drunk George: “I have 17 fucking homes!”
Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: “I’m not doing your fucking maneuvers!”
When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn’t believe they were doing this to him “after everything he’s done for this city” and then he told them to “go fuck yourselves in the ass.” George declared the cops his “enemies for life” and promised to take their badges.
I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she’s really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor’s next album will have the songs “Crocs in My Heart” and “Crocodile Crack Rock” in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)