With three tubes of Prep H smeared all over his eye area to keep down the swelling he got from his ducts barfing up floods of sparkle tears, Robert Pattinson slid into the guest chair at The Daily Show last night to promote Cosmopolis and to nervously giggle about the lip-biting, lazy-faced, skank whore elephant in the room. I really thought that RPatt’z interview with Jon Stewart was going to be as awkward as a sudden fart jumping out of your butt while you’re getting your salad tossed, but it wasn’t at all. It was actually kind of charming. Yes, I was charmed by RPattz and yes, you can now make fun of me for riding side saddle on one of the unicorns frolicking through his enchanted forest hair.
Jon Stewart never brought up Kristen Stewart’s name and never asked RPattz how it feels to have his heart (or relationship contract) broken by his dead-hearted slut girlfriend thrusting her ass into married man crotch, but he did start the interview by giving RPattz some Ben & Jerry’s before saying (via Jezebel):
“The last time I had a bad breakup, Ben and Jerry got me through some of the tougher times. So I thought you and I could bond over this and talk about, ‘Boy you are better off. Kick her to the curb, whatever…’ When you are young and you break up, it’s powerful and it feels like the world is ending. This is the first time I have seen the world actually react that way. It’s insanity.”
I don’t know who told Jon Stewart that Ben & Jerry’s is the medicine for a broken heart, but who ever told him needs to receive an education from the most dumped trick in America Jennifer Love Hewitt, because it ain’t. Jon should’ve given RPattz a basket with a raw cookie dough log, a vajazzle kit, a copy of John Bobbitt’s porn (because nothing makes you feel good about your life like Jon Bobbitt’s frankendick) and a lyric sheet for Mary J. Blig’s “Not Gon’ Cry.”
And I really hope that Kristen Stewart’s first interview is with Nancy Grace. No, Kristen Stewart never killed a baby, but she did kill the hearts of a million crazed Twihards and ever since Casey Anthony got away, Nancy Grace has been waiting to chew on a trashy white girl who looks an albino rat’s soft peen.
Here’s RPattz at the NYC premiere of Cosmopolis last night and at the NYSE this morning. The black and blue ensemble is really, really subtle. You can’t tell from these pictures, but also at the premiere last night were dozens of Twihards screaming at RPattz to let them seal the cracks in his heart with their panty pudding.