Evelyn Lozado & Ochocinco Just Beat Kim Kardashian’s Record

No pun intended in that headline, I swear.

Over the weekend, J. Harvey wrote about how Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson of the Miami Dolphins pulled a first-degree Chris Brown on his wife Evelyn Lozado of Basketball Wives by allegedly punching her in the head with his cranium after she found a receipt for condoms in his Maserati. That messy incident cost his dumb stupid ass his job with the Dolphins and now it cost him a wife. Because after only six weeks of marriage, Evelyn is legally headbutting Ochocinco out of her life by filing for divorce.

TMZ somehow, magically learned (see: Evelyn live-texting them a play by play of her filing the papers) that Evelyn filed divorce papers in Florida this afternoon. Evelyn and Ochocinco barely joined fame whore forces by getting married on July 4th in St. Martin and their wedding was taped for a Vh1 reality show that never was. Evelyn’s marriage lasted about as long it took her to take off her earrings before flying across the table to toot Kenya in the dome. Evelyn should’ve filed divorce on their 85th day of marriage to really make it burn.

And somewhere, Jen is sitting back and adjusting the discount blue contacts she brought from the swap meet while saying to the air, “I guess this is the life I ain’t about.“