Daily Archives: August 13, 2012

Headbutt Your Wife, Lose Your Job

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

I don’t know shit about football, but I do know you can’t headbutt a bitch without her wearing a helmet. Which is why the Miami Dolphins have kicked Chad Johnson’s violent ass out of their pool at Seaworld.

According to Fox Sports (I think that was the first time this fag-o-tron visited their webpage – there’s no guys in jockstraps. Lame.), Chad got the bye-bye wave after being charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. He head-butted his wife and that’s it? Did the police not see that scud missile dude has for a melon? Mr. Potato Head had a violent, developmentally disabled brother the family kept chained in the cellar and it looked like that.

There’s more deets from the early Sunday morning incident courtesy of TMZ. Chad’s Basketball Wife (they let you stay on the show even if you change the sport you groupie for) Evelyn Lozada ran to the neighbors house with a cut on her head after their fight. Johnson was said to have been driving around their neighborhood looking for her when the police caught up to them. *shiver* He claimed he was driving around to give her time to calm down, blamed the fight on her and said SHE head-butted HIM.

Lozada reportedly told police that he was screaming “I don’t give a f**k! I don’t give a f**k about my career!” after he attacked her. Don’t threaten the Miami Dolphins with a good time, girl.

That sort of threat is why you make sure you don’t have any firearms in the house when you’re two assholes with no morals marrying for fame/money/appearances. People like that usually have a complete lack of morals and a sanity indicator light that’s blinking.

Presented Without Comment: Miley Cyrus Done Chopped All Her Hair Off

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Okay, maybe just a few comments. I don’t know if Miley Cyrus’s new Justin Bieber-like reverse mullet makes her look like a chipmunkized Dennis the Menace looking to get into some mischief or makes her look like the most annoying Slytherin ever. The good news is that Miley donated all her chopped off hair to a cancer charity, so sometime soon someone will have a wig that will instantly get them stoned just by sniffing on it real quick.

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Lohan’s Sea Jasper Dealer Might Not Have To Go On The Dole After All

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

It’s sort of infuriating and depressing at the same time that an insane fuckup like Lindsay Lohan is going to make 2 million dollars this year. If any of us were out maniacally rear-ending every vehicle we could and trying to commute to work in an ambulance, we would probably be sans employment. Let alone freedom. But no, Lohan lives with her head firmly lodged in her own ass (sorry, it’s DListed – “culo”) and tells the law to eat her snatch on a continual basis and still gets paid.

This is the reason that kid abandoned society and traveled through the country and finally starved beside a bus in the wilderness. That was still a better alternative than trying to make it in a world where pinheads like Lohan are successful.

TMZ added up all the money she’s going to make from various projects this year, and yep – she’s a millionaire. Witness:

Playboy (December issue but she was paid in 2012) $1 Million

— “Liz and Dick” Lifetime movie — $300,000

— “The Canyons” — $6,480 (scale)

— “Scary Movie” (Lindsay is about to sign on) — $200,000

That isn’t counting all of her alleged endorsement deals. Wear our jeans and you too can be a pathologically lie-telling cokehead who can’t drive.

Take heart in the fact that she probably owes her dealer a huge sum for all the yay he gave her on IOU, and her insurance deductibles must be through the damn roof with the way she operates motor vehicles. Headless people drive better.

Dina Lohan should really open up some sort of school wherein she teaches asshole children that they can be assholes and still get paid. #getmoneydespitebeingadickheadbitch

Check out more pics of Lohan on the set of The Canyons in the gallery below.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 10th!

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Not having money for an epidural, Honey Boo Boo’s family assists Chickadee with “down home” pain meds for childbirth. – turnelbup

Runners-up:

Jessica Simpson, in a desperate attempt to lose weight, thought she was pouring all of her booze down the sink. Turned out it was just Papa Joe’s mouth. – KA

What did you expect when you asked Randy Travis if he’s interested in a 3-way with waitresses? – ProfessorVP

“Once you ladies have finished topping up the fluids could you clean the exhaust pipe?” – I am Legend

via Fail Blog

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Jón Gnarr Kristinsson, Icelandic comedian, actor and the current Mayor of Reykjavík! First things first, I know as much about labia as I know about Jón Gnarr’s political beliefs, but any mayor who gets dragged up for Pride (see pics way below) and who came out hard for the Pussy Riot (click here if you think the Pussy Riot is about Jennifer Aniston’s cats losing their shit over her getting engaged to an actual human man who isn’t invisible) during yesterday’s Pride Parade in the capital of Iceland. Get some of this:

YAAASSS! When are we all moving to Iceland? I’ll call U-Haul and ask if they have trucks that float on water, because we all need a mayor who represents for the PUSSAY RIOT!

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Birthday Sluts

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

John Slattery (50)
James Morrison (28)
Sebastian Stan (29)
James Carpinello (37)
Moritz Bleibtreu (41)
Debi Mazar (48)
Dawnn Lewis (51)
Sam Champion (51)
Danny Bonaduce (53)
Philippe Petit (63)
Kathleen Battle (64)
Pat Harrington Jr.(83)
Fidel Castro (86)

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