In case you’re like me and missed most of last night’s Olympics Closing Ceremony (including, apparently, Prince Hot Ginge singing along to shit and making facial expressions that I’ll probably turn into taint decals), here’s what it looks like when the 90s squirts a whole lot of glitter lube on its palm and gives all of our souls a sloppy hand job. Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice (who’s more like Sun-In Spice now) all twerked their asses and moved their mouths to a recorded track like they’ve never EVER moved their mouths to a recorded track before while Posh posed, stood, posed (example: see this masterpiece GIF) and busted out a gallery of raw emotions from “bitchface” to “bitchfacewhilestandingontopofataxi.”
If I looked at a mirror while pissing, I’d give a wider variety of facial expressions than Posh did while performing a song about spicing up lives and shit. But we should give Posh some credit, because she did climb stairs during that performance and that’s the most physical activity she’s done in her entire life. Posh was probably so burnt out after that they had to carry her to her custom Hermes leather fainting couch and hand feed her a calorie-free lemon seed for some nourishment.
I’m totally disappointed that the Closing Ceremony didn’t include one last Olympic event: a bitchface-off between Posh and McKayla Maroney.
NBC keeps ripping down every video of the Spice Girls’ full performance, so you’ll have to click here to see it all. Gawker also has a clip of the Kate Bush song that NBC cut (among other things) from the Closing Ceremony, because they wanted to remind you one last time that they are the gold medal champions of shitty Olympic coverage.
And a quick Programming Note reminder: My ass will be on a plane for most of the day, so J. Harvey and Sweetas will be filling in for more again today. I’ll be back full-time tomorrow. There’s WiFi on my plane and yes, I still can’t believe there’s WiFi on planes and it’s better than nothing, but plane WiFi is the worst kind of WiFi. It goes out all the time. It reminds me of when I had AOL dial-up and yelled at my sister every time she picked up the phone while I was downloading a 10 second-long gay porn clip. So today when my plane WiFi goes out, I’m totally going to yell at the flight attendant, “A bitch is trying to download some gay porn here!“