Daily Archives: August 13, 2012

Kim K. Wants A Quickie Divorce So She Can Marry Kanye

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

I’ll say it – nice ride.

If this bitch thinks that the right-minded people of the world are gonna stand for Kim Kardashian’s Fake Wedding Extravaganza 2 (“Now With The Right Shade Of Dick!”), she’s got another thing coming! The first time was so awful. Everywhere you turned, you saw a moustache in a wedding dress on every magazine cover and TV screen. It was a dark time when Kim Kardashian married that duh face with the bolts in his neck, and then dropped him as planned. Then she had the balls to act all shocked when people thought she was an even bigger cunt than they already thought for perpetuating her bridal lies. Well, get ready to see four handfuls of ass trying to stuff itself into a much-too-small gown down at David’s Bridal again. Bitch is looking to destroy the aisle once more.

Radar says that Kim Kardashian is trying to speed up her divorce from Kris Humphries, so she can marry her current boyfriend prop Kanye West. How the fuck you gonna fit those two egos in one setting? There isn’t enough atmosphere on this planet. Those two fools, Kim’s ass, Khloe’s The Howling body, AND JAY-Z AND BEYONCE? The amount of bullshit present will cause the damn earth to tip, our poles will reverse, and gravity will quit this bitch. That union will end the earth. Mark my words.

Kim is tired of waiting and thinks Frankenstein’s Monster is stalling so he can make her look like the greedy douche she is.

Radar:

“There is going to be a scheduled status conference on Wednesday for Kim and Kris’ divorce. Kris has already been deposed, but Kim hasn’t been yet. Kim has told her lawyer that the case is dragging because Kris is determined to keep his name in the press and drag her name through the mud. Kim is ready to get engaged to Kanye, but doesn’t want to until her divorce is finalized,” a source close to the situation tells us.

Kim is so very sure that “Kanye is the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and she doesn’t want to wait.” *chortle* The real threat to “traditional marriage” also feels that her deposition in the divorce proceedings is a waste of time, and wants the whole thing over ASAP. Kris wants her to admit publicly that their wedding was a hoax. And I want someone to spray the E! building with enough ranch dressing that it will entice Khloe to devour it. And Seacrest better be in the toilet when it happens. This is all his fault.

More pics of K&K motoring in that little gallery. It’s always the shitty people who have the nicest cars.

Is That A Fart Bubble?

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I’m obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there’s a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I’ll stop there and yes I’ve given this way too much thought and I didn’t want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You’re welcome.

The actual point to this post – yes, there really is a point – is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton’s latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.

And when MK sent me this link, he said “They should have put the bag over his head instead.” *sigh* MK always says it better!

Afternoon Crumbs

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Katy Perry’s bare nalgitas made an appearance at Raging Waters this weekend and if you put your ear to the picture of her bikini bottoms falls off, you can almost hear her butt coo out the words, “Saaaave me from John Mayer…” – The Superficial 

The Olympics is now over and we didn’t even get one grainy cell phone picture of a topless Prince Hot Ginge doing nipple shots with Team GB’s swim team – Lainey Gossip

Glamberace’s arm looks like it was made by the douchebags who make those Affliction t-shirts – Towleroad

Jessie J’s trick ass was at the Olympics Closing Ceremony, but England’s Finest Rose AND the dreamiest dreamboat in Britain Pete Doherty wasn’t?! - Hollywood Tuna 

Are we sure this isn’t really a picture of a piece of dried seaweed on meth? – Drunken Stepfather

Harry Potter’s totally throwing a “Yeah, I’m breaking my wand on this trick” look while sashaying around with a mystery woman - The Berry 

The definition of true love is the clearance bin version of Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner coming out for their first photo-op after getting back together. The definition of sadness is Hugh Hefner looking like all he wants is a tapioca pudding cup and the latest Reader’s Digest. – Celebitchy

It’s been exactly five seconds since you’ve seen LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian in a staged bikini photo shoot, so why don’t you end the drought by quenching your thirst on new pictures of these two whores doing what they do best, besides home wrecking - Just Jared

Jessica Biel looks frozen. Colin Farrell looks like he’s thinking of releasing a fart. Kate Beckinsale looks like her right hand is in the wrong place at the wrong time (see: Colin Farrell thinking about releasing a fart). – ICYDK

The permanently knocked up Camila Alves is in a bikini and the only thing these pictures are missing is a Matthew McConaughey using her bump as a bongo – Popoholic

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively go to the gym and I know, that sounds about as exciting as pictures of two pieces of jicama floating in a paper bowl full of lukewarm tap water – Popsugar

I wonder if Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi use the same highlighting cap? – SOW

Vanessa Paradis sort of not really talks about how Johnny Depp left a hole in heart bigger than the beautiful gap between her teefs – Hollywood Rag 

My guess is….an Olsen? – Cityrag

Beyonce thinks she’s Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and shit  - I’m Not Obsessed

You know you’re a true piece of messy shit when even Vh1 won’t stand by you – Crunk + Disorderly

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Please Don’t You Be My Neighbor

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you’ve been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor’s grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.

While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).

From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”

From Sweetas: PUKE.

I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she’s SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there’s something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor’s past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y’know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I’m going with this.

Twihards Holding MoMA Under Siege

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

I’m only human. When I’m in a big city and see whores lined up or camped out, I have to ask someone why in case they’re handing out free shit. I’m wondering – would I be able to keep from rolling my eyes in this case? I’d ask what was what to a round and sweaty woman in a t-shirt that reads “THAT CUNT” over a doctored photo depicting Kristen Stewart with nose leprosy, and she would tell me she was camping out for Robert Pattinson. My hands would have to be firmly holding my eyeballs in their sockets against their will. LET US ROLL, MUTHAFUCKA!

Sad Vampire is appearing at the MoMA tonight for a screening of his flick “Cosmopolis”, and Page Six sez that Twihards have been setting up a tent town to await him. A tent town that smells of fanaticism, premature panty pudding, and bootleg Immortal Twilight (the bottle reads “Old It’s Dark Out”). It’s his first appearance since love died.

MoMA officials aren’t enthused about desperate crazies from the suburbs frantically waving glitter-sprinkled signs reading “I’D NEVER LET ANOTHER VAMPIRE EAT ME OUT IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A MINI-COOPER IF I WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND,EDWARD!” in front of their fine museum. Word is they might have their security people shovel the sidewalk out front.

They probably should. What if Pattinson shows up with his refuge owner Reese Witherspoon? It only takes one Twihard mom to scream “GET HER” and then the barricades will be a faint memory and suddenly there’s bloody pieces of Tracy Flick everywhere.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Spice Girls’ Closing Ceremony Performance

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

In case you’re like me and missed most of last night’s Olympics Closing Ceremony (including, apparently, Prince Hot Ginge singing along to shit and making facial expressions that I’ll probably turn into taint decals), here’s what it looks like when the 90s squirts a whole lot of glitter lube on its palm and gives all of our souls a sloppy hand job. Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice (who’s more like Sun-In Spice now) all twerked their asses and moved their mouths to a recorded track like they’ve never EVER moved their mouths to a recorded track before while Posh posed, stood, posed (example: see this masterpiece GIF)  and busted out a gallery of raw emotions from “bitchface” to “bitchfacewhilestandingontopofataxi.”

If I looked at a mirror while pissing, I’d give a wider variety of facial expressions than Posh did while performing a song about spicing up lives and shit. But we should give Posh some credit, because she did climb stairs during that performance and that’s the most physical activity she’s done in her entire life. Posh was probably so burnt out after that they had to carry her to her custom Hermes leather fainting couch and hand feed her a calorie-free lemon seed for some nourishment.

I’m totally disappointed that the Closing Ceremony didn’t include one last Olympic event: a bitchface-off between Posh and McKayla Maroney.

NBC keeps ripping down every video of the Spice Girls’ full performance, so you’ll have to click here to see it all. Gawker also has a clip of the Kate Bush song that NBC cut (among other things) from the Closing Ceremony, because they wanted to remind you one last time that they are the gold medal champions of shitty Olympic coverage.

And a quick Programming Note reminder: My ass will be on a plane for most of the day, so J. Harvey and Sweetas will be filling in for more again today. I’ll be back full-time tomorrow. There’s WiFi on my plane and yes, I still can’t believe there’s WiFi on planes and it’s better than nothing, but plane WiFi is the worst kind of WiFi. It goes out all the time. It reminds me of when I had AOL dial-up and yelled at my sister every time she picked up the phone while I was downloading a 10 second-long gay porn clip. So today when my plane WiFi goes out, I’m totally going to yell at the flight attendant, “A bitch is trying to download some gay porn here!

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Headbutt Your Wife, Lose Your Job

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

I don’t know shit about football, but I do know you can’t headbutt a bitch without her wearing a helmet. Which is why the Miami Dolphins have kicked Chad Johnson’s violent ass out of their pool at Seaworld.

According to Fox Sports (I think that was the first time this fag-o-tron visited their webpage – there’s no guys in jockstraps. Lame.), Chad got the bye-bye wave after being charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. He head-butted his wife and that’s it? Did the police not see that scud missile dude has for a melon? Mr. Potato Head had a violent, developmentally disabled brother the family kept chained in the cellar and it looked like that.

There’s more deets from the early Sunday morning incident courtesy of TMZ. Chad’s Basketball Wife (they let you stay on the show even if you change the sport you groupie for) Evelyn Lozada ran to the neighbors house with a cut on her head after their fight. Johnson was said to have been driving around their neighborhood looking for her when the police caught up to them. *shiver* He claimed he was driving around to give her time to calm down, blamed the fight on her and said SHE head-butted HIM.

Lozada reportedly told police that he was screaming “I don’t give a f**k! I don’t give a f**k about my career!” after he attacked her. Don’t threaten the Miami Dolphins with a good time, girl.

That sort of threat is why you make sure you don’t have any firearms in the house when you’re two assholes with no morals marrying for fame/money/appearances. People like that usually have a complete lack of morals and a sanity indicator light that’s blinking.

Presented Without Comment: Miley Cyrus Done Chopped All Her Hair Off

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Okay, maybe just a few comments. I don’t know if Miley Cyrus’s new Justin Bieber-like reverse mullet makes her look like a chipmunkized Dennis the Menace looking to get into some mischief or makes her look like the most annoying Slytherin ever. The good news is that Miley donated all her chopped off hair to a cancer charity, so sometime soon someone will have a wig that will instantly get them stoned just by sniffing on it real quick.

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Lohan’s Sea Jasper Dealer Might Not Have To Go On The Dole After All

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

It’s sort of infuriating and depressing at the same time that an insane fuckup like Lindsay Lohan is going to make 2 million dollars this year. If any of us were out maniacally rear-ending every vehicle we could and trying to commute to work in an ambulance, we would probably be sans employment. Let alone freedom. But no, Lohan lives with her head firmly lodged in her own ass (sorry, it’s DListed – “culo”) and tells the law to eat her snatch on a continual basis and still gets paid.

This is the reason that kid abandoned society and traveled through the country and finally starved beside a bus in the wilderness. That was still a better alternative than trying to make it in a world where pinheads like Lohan are successful.

TMZ added up all the money she’s going to make from various projects this year, and yep – she’s a millionaire. Witness:

Playboy (December issue but she was paid in 2012) $1 Million

– “Liz and Dick” Lifetime movie — $300,000

– “The Canyons” — $6,480 (scale)

– “Scary Movie” (Lindsay is about to sign on) — $200,000

That isn’t counting all of her alleged endorsement deals. Wear our jeans and you too can be a pathologically lie-telling cokehead who can’t drive.

Take heart in the fact that she probably owes her dealer a huge sum for all the yay he gave her on IOU, and her insurance deductibles must be through the damn roof with the way she operates motor vehicles. Headless people drive better.

Dina Lohan should really open up some sort of school wherein she teaches asshole children that they can be assholes and still get paid. #getmoneydespitebeingadickheadbitch

Check out more pics of Lohan on the set of The Canyons in the gallery below.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 10th!

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Not having money for an epidural, Honey Boo Boo’s family assists Chickadee with “down home” pain meds for childbirth. – turnelbup

Runners-up:

Jessica Simpson, in a desperate attempt to lose weight, thought she was pouring all of her booze down the sink. Turned out it was just Papa Joe’s mouth. – KA

What did you expect when you asked Randy Travis if he’s interested in a 3-way with waitresses? – ProfessorVP

“Once you ladies have finished topping up the fluids could you clean the exhaust pipe?” – I am Legend

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