He Put A Ring On It
Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!
Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.
Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.
• 
I've never been a fan of hers, but if she is happy then good for her.
Mani, hahahaha@ Brad and the leg!!
My guess JustJen, since their announcement seems legit. But who knows? The Leg and Billy Goat may get hitched yet!
I CALLED IT!!
Sorry. I must gloat. I called it way back when. When everyone was feeling bad for Heidi because Jen stole him, I said he's gonna marry Jen. Because that's what men do. They put the long-term relationship in perpetual limbo and then the next woman gets the ring. I've seen it so many times it's not even funny.
But anyway. I am happy for her. She looks happy.
Mazel tov!
Or the Monkey and the Chicken Leg?
Submitted by LaChaylo on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 12:09am.
It might race to the altar time.Will it be Brad and the leg or JustJen.
Mama Pitt's favourite angelic she-can-never-do-wrong daughter Jen-An pulled an Angie-Jo and now bitch CAN STOP FUCKING crying in newspapers every 3-4 months about how Brad broke her heart and what they did was "not cool"
and we can stop hearing about brad secretly meeting with Jen, Jen secretly meeting with Angie, Angie secretly meeting with Brad, Brad secretly meeting Angie but it was Jen. FINALLY go the fuck away assholes.
I think this is great. I see Jen as the anti-Goop. She seems sweet and friendly. I wish them the best.
Spinsters everywhere have added a picture of Jen and Justin to their altars, along with the upside down St. Anthony and a renewed sense of hope!
*Prints out banner pic and lights candle*
Good for them. If JA is happy, I wish her the best.
***********************************************
And there you got me, that's how you got me, you taught me to be mean
Where the hell is Bernard now?
Congrats to Aniston and Theroux!!!
Would have preferred they just go on living in sin, but what the hell.
Now that looks like a couple who is actually doing it.
*eyeroll*
*********************************************
Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
THE DEVIL IS DANCIN' TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAKE UP WAKE UP!
____
“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
I see a mass beanie beanie suicide in the near future!