Hot Slut Of The Day!
After spending almost 60 magical and magnificent minutes with Honey Boo Boo Chile and her family of fresh-off-the-tree Georgia peaches (aka the greatest television family of all-time) last night, today's Hot Slut was going to be Mama June's stack of luscious chins (which kind of look like an Oscar Mayer ham being pulled out of its can) or Glitzy the pig, but I'm going to save those for another day, because we must pay tribute to the candy-stealing gentle black bear from Colorado.
In this HIGHLY IMPORTANT, CNN-worthy, 5 minute-long, special edition weekend report from EP News, Kris Hazelton (who should also get Hot Slut accolades for her "potty training teacher" delivery and gorgeous hair that you usually only see on an assistant manager at a Central Florida beauty salon) tells us about a sneaky, thieving bear who should give lessons to Goldilocks' dumb ass on how to be stealth while stealing other people's shit.
Jo Adams, the owner of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory in Estes Park, CO, came into her store one morning and noticed that somebody was eating her chocolate, and somebody was shaking dirt on her table and somebody was getting into her tins. Jo Adams probably thought it was a squirrel or maybe Jessica Simpson was in town, but she checked the surveillance video anyway and found the thief.
The deadbolt on the store's front door wasn't totally secure, so a gentle black bear was able to open the door, tip toe into the store and fill his belly with delicious chocolate. The gentle bear grabbed a few "Balls of Joy," took them outside and ate them up. The gentle bear came back into the store, grabbed a few bear cookies (CANNIBEAR!!!), took them outside and ate them away form the cameras. The gentle bear did this 7 times in 15 minutes. The only evidence he left was some dirt on the counter and some paper on the floor.
The gentle bear thief is still at large, but he's become a local superstar and several of Jo's customers have come into the store to buy the same sweet treats he stole. So Jo better leave a few Balls of Joy on the not-so-welcome mat in front of the chocolate thief's cave, because she owes him for bringing her business.
And I'm actually really happy that for once a story about a bear nibbling on Balls of Joy isn't about John Travolta.
via Gawker
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That may have been good for the business but would the gentle bear thief not get a belly ache from all that chocolate? Aww... :)
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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They BETTER not hurt that bear. Chocolate deliciousness cannot be denied. Bear Down!
Ha! I just went hiking in Estes Park on Tuesday. Maybe the chocolate-loving bear was nearby and I didn't even know it.
Poor bear! If they catch him coming back into town for people food they'll have to put him down. At least, that's what happened to other repeat bear offenders around here. His bad "Balls of Joy" habit could get his ass shot!
What a reporter - the bear "enjoyed LOTS and LOTS of chocolatey treats" - yikes. Not exactly Columbia School of Journalism copy.
That bear was so cute!!! Reminds me of that fat cat that was stealing food from the neighbors.
OMG. That freakin' reporter annoyed the living Hell out of me so much, I had to mute the sound!!!
He must be a distant relative of meatball-chomping, pool-swimming, texter-greeting @TheGlendaleBear.
Good choice.
Although you can make Hambeast June the HSOTD tomorrow and I won't complain. I love slagging those people.
The reporter lady loves hummingbirds and dolphins, which you'd immediately know if you walked into her living room. She considers herself quite the cupcake artiste and posts self-fisting videos to Xtube.
The chocolate shop owner has plenty of guns although her spirit animal is the wolf. Three wolves, heh heh. Her bedroom has white carpeting, which she considers quite refined.
Speaking of deterring creatures from eating your food, I just discovered if I put pepper on my cheesy scrambled eggs, the 3 year old won't come begging for a bite. (Yes, she has had her breakfast already.)
The Hot Slut here wasn't the bear, it was that reporter. My God, that entire report sounds like it was written by a fifth grader. I especially enjoyed the three or four sentences saying the owner fixed the lock on the door.
That reporter was worse than a run-on sentence. She just went on & on & on & on. Geeze.
Holy crap. I have a house about a mile from that shop!
I didn't watch "Honey-Boo-Boo". They wore out their welcome months ago. It'd be different if that mother wasn't milking it for every penny she could. That's not allowed. We laugh at you, you don't laugh at us. Go away.
Loving this chocolate-loving bear!
Good choice, MK. I'd rather read about a candy-stealing bear from a woman with gorgeous hair that you usually only see on an assistant manager at a Central Florida beauty salon than that pack of white trash hillbillies what done called their kid Honey Boo Boo Child and should really have been caught with their still by the revenuer and thrown in that thar jail.
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