6 Mud-Covered Gems From The Premiere Of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June
"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June
"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June
"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June
"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile
"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.
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I know we all laugh and snark on Boo and her mom but I wonder how it makes that kid feel to be paraded around with pretty little bitches. It cant be easy showing up all bloated and with that beast of a mom.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
I bet these inbreds would cook up that pus-oozing hunk of meat and just cackle about the "extra gravy."
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Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
Holy fuck, that sounds vile! *applauds*
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"If French is the language of love, then Spanish is the language of badassery!" -MK
Vanessa.... I LOVE Paranormal Witness! I watched it too. :)
www.poopreport.com :)
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HCHBB on my DVR, gonna watch; dont wanta, just gotta LOL ==))
(can't be any worse than watching Mr.Souls fam.oy. ;)
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"we all bleed red, we all taste rain"- Bleed Red;
ty- *iconzicons*
Twat Muffin! How are you, girl? I confess I have cheated on Chanel. :( I ordered the Vent Glace eye shadow from the NARS fall collection. We'll see if I keep it or take it back, begging for Uncle Karl's forgiveness.
How about you?
Can she even open her fat eyes?
I love Big Ang too. She is like a car accident to look at, but highly entertaining (when you can understand her). Haha
www.poopreport.com :)
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Evil_Cupcake! Jinx on the ALL CAPS "ALL OVER AMERICA"!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Yeah... I decided to watch Paranormal Witness instead. Couldn't stomach this mess.
Evil, I been planning on blowing up the 909 for ages now...its like the New South out there!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by sinjin on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:43pm.
For your reading pleasure, I submit a review from Television Without Pity:
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Yep. TLC brings the circus side-show freaks of the past into HD.
I will add that there are ignorant trash like that ALL OVER AMERICA. I've seen them in Pennsylvania, Illinois, Minnesota, Massachusetts, and Washington State. The south can't claim 'em all!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
The kid in the tiara named Glitzy is the best looking member of the family, and undoubtedly the most intelligent.
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:38pm.
This is why the south should get nuked.
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There are people like this ALL OVER the U.S, and yes, including California, so let's not act as if it is strictly the South.
Submitted by sinjin on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:43pm.
That review is priceless! Did they actually swim in a flesh eating bacteria lake?
The top pic captures this family so completely!
I still can't believe Honey Boo Boo is a beauty pageant contestant(!) and Mama Beautimous looks drunkass 24/7(!!)
#Ultrafuggross
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Ho-Tell -- hey, hon, how are you doing? Done any makeup shopping lately? I think Mama June here could use some spackle.
EC -- I've never heard of food auctions, much less hillbillies bidding on stale donuts. I didn't know something like that was legal. I've heard of day-old bakery-type places, that's about it.
the diff is Big Ang is likeable...strange looking and off the charts nuts, but likeable, this tribe of crazies is just freaking creepy...
GardeningGirl opened her trap and said, "This is why the south should get nuked."
Ho-tell responds: Bless your heart and please plant yourself in your Yankee (or wherever) garden.
this is why I left Alabama at 17 and never went back...dayum, but the worse is when they are eating road kill deer...I threw up in my mouth on that one...Honey Boo Boo Chile is destined to be in the multi chin tribe...everyone looks speshal in this family...
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake :
That fucking kid shouldn't even be in a dog show, much less one of those pedo beauty contests.
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(plasters both hands over mouth to prevent hysterical laughter)
That little black n white pig is freaking adorable. <3
www.poopreport.com :)
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Submitted by Hekki :
One of the reasons I can stand to watch this show, and "Big Ang" is that it's not based on conflict; it's all about buffoons who do stupid things.
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Agreed. Plus if we give these idiots any of our time watching them, WE then become the bafoons!
I wanted to make a sandwich before I read this article, now I'm just nauseated. It will have to wait. I think I if I posted this she beast's 3-chinned mug on my fridge I'd have a very good chance of becoming anorexic. :(
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:41pm.
That fucking kid shouldn't even be in a dog show, much less one of those pedo beauty contests.
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Bwahahahahhahahahhhaahhaha...
*cries*
*takes deep breath*
Aaaaaahahahhahahahhahahahha
LMAO "Chin Dynasty" hahaha!! ok, how does someone's chin get like that???
That's an unfortunate pic of the daughter on the far left. My (Southern, we aren't all like this!) grandma would slap her mouth shut (gently) until she was over the habit, trust.
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WWMWD? What would Mae West do?
Who is running TLC nowadays? Satan? The Illuminati? Al Qaeda?! I'm willing to go with Al Qaeda because shows like this make people want to commit terrorist attacks on the homeland.
Misslainey-lol
GG-spare me please!
Gardening Girl: "This is why the south should get nuked."
I burst out laughing inappropriately.
For your reading pleasure, I submit a review from Television Without Pity:
"Dystopian.
In what is essentially Idiocracy realized, Honey Boo Boo revolves around an obese family living in a stockpiled bunker, where they spend their days binging on junk food, body shaming each other and pressuring their youngest child to perform in degrading and emotionally devastating contests in which she learns at a young age that other females -- nay, people -- are her enemies. Abandoning basic human hygiene, the English language and, frankly, elementary science, mother June teaches her daughters that personal health is not a priority, while a silent, defeated father lingers in the background. June, who has internalized her self-hatred, runs a household where children grow anxious about money, and where the most her daughters can aspire to be are champions at literally drowning themselves in raw pig feet and throwing themselves into mud. Desperate, the young women long to jump in a lake with known flesh-eating bacteria just to escape. This is how the world ends/Not with a bang but three bellies."
How the hell did I miss this???? I was up all night flipping channels and I did not see this!! :( GRRRR. What channel is it on and are they replaying it???
www.poopreport.com :)
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Its replaying now on tlc
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I whip it good!!!
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:37pm.
That fucking kid shouldn't even be in a dog show, much less one of those pedo beauty contests.
Food Auction???? WTF???? Why do people bid on stale food? Is it in bulk? Are food auctions normal? So confused!!!!!
Kitty Porn: "Don't they realize we are all just laughing at them?"
It requires a heroic and staggering lack of self-awareness just to LOOK and BEHAVE like they do, so I'm not banking that they even realise they elicit anything other than admiration in other people.
kokoskitten: I think the pig was one of the things the producers came up with.
I also think this is the only good season. These shows degenerate rapidly.
One of the reasons I can stand to watch this show, and "Big Ang" is that it's not based on conflict; it's all about buffoons who do stupid things.
< insert head exploding gif here>
ubmitted by Glambert on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:36pm.
Whatever. It's people like you that keep the trolls going, so rock on with your big bad self.
This is why the south should get nuked.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Also, I am fat, but I cannot look at her. That's wrong, I know, but she just freaks me out. God, I'm awful.
Hekki -- OMG, they are hambeasts! And I do not know why Honey Boo Boo thinks she's cute; she's anything but!!!
Gigaboob -- yes, a food auction. They were bidding on stale donuts -- I kid you not.
Aaaaaaaand these people are probably making much more than I ever will (well at least for the one season this show will be on). I can't figure out how much of this show is "coached" by the producers. Obviously they have been told to 'play up' their trashiness but how much is ignorance/acting/real? FUCK YEAH AMERICA!
She's boring compared to the all time T&T monster: Mackenzie.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:30pm.
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But gladyslove is inbred backwoods swamp trash. She would fit right in!
Its sad when your fupa stick out farther than your tits;
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Are we sure the oldest is her kid? Didn't watch the show, but was wondering if Big Daddy had another wife or baby mama before Chin Dynasty here.
omg I'm. DYING at "Chin Dynasty"
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:32pm.
Swarmy: Mama June claims to have gotten her GED.
*shoots self for knowing this*
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"Show me the receipts!"
ETA:
I assume that this pageant mom lifestyle is being subsidized in part by the generosity of American taxpayers. Those kids are on CHIP at the very least. One good thing about TLC giving them a show is that the increase in income should put them in their own pockets for maintenance.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
HER NECK GOITER IS EATING HER CHIN!!!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
♥ I LIVE ♥