6 Mud-Covered Gems From The Premiere Of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June
"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June
"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June
"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June
"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile
"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.
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Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:39pm.
WHY is this hambeast refering to her "buscuit"?
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Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I don't wanna know! I am sorry that Louise enlightened me to the fact she was talking about her, well you know, "that thing".
*signs up for therapy*
WHY am I wondering which of Mama's chins gets the pearl necklace??? *barfs*
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"If French is the language of love, then Spanish is the language of badassery!" -MK
The very *FIRST* place I go when I visit back home in Va, is Hardees! Their ham biscuits are The. Shit!! Totally blows away McD's biscuits, although are good. But can't hold a candle to Hardees!! =( sads now
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"Birds are doomed when pussies can fly"- MK
This site brings out the worst in me. I just googled "chin liposuction" and it looks legit and effective.
http://universal-healthcare.org/aesthetic-surgery/advantages-of-chin-lip...
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What the fuck dude? And being European is NOT an excuse. - IHateCharityChic 05/10/2012
Team Gaelic and any multilingual here
Dad was a linguist through HS; 4 yrs Latin, 2 yrs Gaelic in study abroad years. Irish Catholic HS. He went on to be a Comm Tech in the Army due to his early exposure.
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
I swear between this mess and TLC's "The Thing With Two Heads (waaaaay better than the actual monikor "Sisters") we're all just begging for that Mayan Apocalypse this December 21.
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Shiitake happens...
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:25pm.
I also genuinely wonder if she has a low IQ - like she is a special needs child.
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She's a perfectly normal, if slightly hyperactive, 6 year old child. Her spotlight-seeking behavior probably results from her being the youngest of 4.
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
I can't look at that woman's face. She and that Big Ang. *shudder*
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
WHY is this hambeast refering to her "buscuit"?
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
What the actual fuck?
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"SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!"
I am always telling my brother that he should get a reality show. America loves crazy people so him and I would fit right in. Call me TLC.
Anyways, I guess there are some people in Alaska and stuff that if they find that moose or something on the road they eat or give it to needy families. I did once watch an episode of Cajun Justice (yea I have a reality tv show problemo) where these two rednecks were fighting over a pig. I guess one dude hit with his truck and it landed on another dudes lawn. I wanted to have some hillbilly fight'in but the lady cop told them that it was going to be donated to charity.
It is nice that the cycle of unwed teenage mothers is continuing in this family.
Detective_LaToya -- I know, right? When I found out Mama June's weight, I suddenly felt so tiny & petite -- I felt really good!
I watched it and I loved it. Fuck yeah.
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
@crazyassmom
yep, I still have a pretty stong Irish accent and learning Irish (or Gaelic as the Americans call it!) is mandatory from age 5 to when you graduate high school.
Personally I think it's a dead language not worth the bother but some would disagree. My math was absolute crap but I spoke a language only 4 million people in the world (or far less, really) can even understand.
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by Nanners on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:32pm.
is one year younger than me and about to be a grandmother. GODDAMN
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Can't. And Boo Boo will be an aunt at 7. Just can't
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
Ho-Tell -- the Cle de Peau concealer's price kills me, but it is absolutely the best I've ever tried. I bought the NARS recently and while it's okay, it's just okay at best.
Mama June would need a vat of concealer and she'd still look like a fat pig. Sorry, you cannot do anything with a creature like that. All of Neiman Marcus could not help someone so bovine & uncouth.
@ Irish Fury (if you're still here or come back in)-
I saw on another thread where you said you still have a slight Irish accent. I was wondering,
Do you speak Galiec (sp?)?? I think hearing someone speak Galiec (and an Irish accent) is so beautiful sounding!! {O:
OT: looking at these stills of this family reminds me of the summer I worked at the Pavilion in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Heffalump families like this came through all the time. The worst though were the 300 lb Sasquatchs' that would come through in *nothing* but a string bikini. The only way you could tell they were wearing anything was if you caught a glance of a tiny piece of fabric over the nips and ass crack/hole. The "strings" were eaten up by the fat rolls.
I am still being treated for PTSD, even though that was in 1988. I am,slowly,still making progress. XD
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"Birds are doomed when pussies can fly"- MK
Sometimes I wish I just didn't give a toss.
I'd never workout/move/exercise, I'd eat and snack all day long, I'd be ok with tent dresses and muu muus and I'd just keep on truckin'.
I'm not saying all fat people don't care but a lot don't, including this family. It's just preferable to eat, sit back and not give a fuck.
*sigh*
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Dark-sided!
309 pounds with a goal weight of 200. I feel ever so petite and baby doll like now.
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"Look at this lamb, I'm going to make condoms out of it so that you can ride me until your pussy says 'baaaaaah.'"
~ASkars as channeled by Michael K
Holy fuck, MK has to recap every episode of this mess. A gay pig?! Fuckit, I may open a bottle of wine and watch this for myself.
Sugar Bear needs a corncob pipe and shotgun to complete the top picture.
That bitch is one year younger than me and about to be a grandmother. GODDAMN
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What the fuck dude? And being European is NOT an excuse. - IHateCharityChic 05/10/2012
They should have called this show THIS IS AMERICA!
You ahve these types all over the US not just the South. Although in the NY metro area they seem to come originally from the South.
I wich the US would show more images of this as the real America to those who are thinking about coming here. Maybe they'll change their minds.
I hereby denounce my American citizenship and declare a culture war on these "people". They need to be destroyed.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
@ Hekki
That's what gets me too. The honey boo boo moron child is convinced she's cute as a button, both physically and socially/personality wise and she's everything but.
I also genuinely wonder if she has a low IQ - like she is a special needs child.
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:21pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:19pm.
Every time I have seen a photo of the mom, her eyes are closed. Does she have some sort of condition that she cant fully open her eyes?
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Yes, GG. I believe the medical term is Morbid Obesity. Her fat has eaten up her own eyes.
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LOL. Her '99 swirl-one-button Target shirt distracted me from that eye issue. It may be just as well her eyes can't see what she's wearing.
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
Submitted by louise_brooks on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:09pm.
I had to read that part about the biscuit three times. I kept thinking, "What is she talking about?? Open what up?? What does- oooooooh." *blushing*
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That is what she was referring to?????? I thought she was just talking about a fucking McMuffin.
*continues vomiting, runs screaming from thread*
Lmao beb! It tastes best when you are alone in your car in an abandoned parking lot. No one to disturb you enjoying all the deliciousness. :P
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:19pm.
Every time I have seen a photo of the mom, her eyes are closed. Does she have some sort of condition that she cant fully open her eyes?
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Yes, GG. I believe the medical term is Morbid Obesity. Her fat has eaten up her own eyes.
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:01pm.
I bet these inbreds would cook up that pus-oozing hunk of meat and just cackle about the "extra gravy."
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OH.MY.FUCKING.HELL IV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*projectile vomits, then cowers in corner*
Every time I have seen a photo of the mom, her eyes are closed. Does she have some sort of condition that she cant fully open her eyes?
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
The banner pic, nobody has their mouth closed except Dad (who's probs sleeping) and Boo. And is that plastic on the front door screen? I'm surprised the rest of that stoop is tidy otherwise.
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
Submitted by Mel-Tang on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:10pm.
Yeah, those are the "big guns" i haul out after a heavy night of imbibing. New Year's Day was the last McD's breakfast experience...eating it in the parking lot down the street.
I'm trashy and I know it.
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SOMEONE SAID COCK, can we say COCK? I didn't know we could say COCK, and still be classy! AHAHAHAHAHAH - WithinReason
I love the South. There are some really affluent and amazing properties/people here. I grew up in the North, and many of the people I encountered were mean and snotty. Not everyone though. There's good and bad in every state.
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Twat Muffin, that Armani orange looks very pretty (I google-imaged it). I am waiting for Chanel Holiday too and shouldn't have bought the Nars.
Cle de Peau products are high, but if you like the concealer, you should have it!
Speaking of concealer, I don't think there's enough in all of my local Macy's for Mama June here. I don't have tv, so if Mama June ever gives out beauty tips, I'm counting on you to let me know, Twat Muffin!
The whole time I was watching this hot mess of a show, I kept hoping that MK would comment on it. And he did not disappoint. Thanks, Mikey, you made my day :)
Vanessa....lmao!! I had to keep telling myself that someone was living in their attic and just playing mean tricks on them. It's weird how they all experienced it. Sometimes I wonder if these people are all in on it to make some cash, but then I secretly want it to be real because I love paranormal stuff and wish I could experience a haunting! Lol
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Southerners don't all behave this way. Trust.
mike,
Enjoy your vacation! Honey Boo Boo, unfortunately, is going to be here a while if my my end of days instinct is correct.
Totally missed this mess; was waiting for a recap here and only here. LOL at those damn quotes. Had this shit plugged into every fking scheduler alert thing I had but shitty ass fam calls distracted. I AM NOT MISSING NEXT WEEK BY GOD
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*
I said this when I saw the trailer a few days ago and I'll say it again: I fear for the pig (and by pig I mean the literal one and not the little girl).
As a native Southerner, I could lecture you on the HORRENDOUS class-drain (and continued brain-drain) that's occurred in the majority of the rural South since the period between the World Wars. I could, but I'm on vacation and I'm about to get fucked up with some friends.
beb .....mmmmmmmmmm. McDonald's breakfast. :P
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
I had to read that part about the biscuit three times. I kept thinking, "What is she talking about?? Open what up?? What does- oooooooh." *blushing*
@Mel-Tang- The bad thing is, even the dead old man's face popping out of the attic door wasn't HALF as scary as this Boo Boo clan.
I love how Mama June is outside in her socks, and they have more toilet paper than BJ's. :)
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Submitted by TexnDoc on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:37pm.
She's boring compared to the all time T&T monster: Mackenzie.
Mackenzie could be cute at times. I LOL'd when she said Nini was "a hard-working lady" and when she was teaching her stuffed kitten to pageant walk.
I didn't scroll down far enough to see the sausage biscuit.
*Hides face when pulling up to the second window at McDonald's tomorrow morning, demanding my hash brown and large Diet Coke, to make it a balanced meal*
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SOMEONE SAID COCK, can we say COCK? I didn't know we could say COCK, and still be classy! AHAHAHAHAHAH - WithinReason
Ho-Tell -- I'm good, babe. I got one of those MAC Julie Verhoeven kits but ended up taking it back due to a crappy lip liner & lip gloss. I have to get my concealer, that damn expensive Cle de Peau, but it is the best. I'm going to hold off buying anything until the Chanel holiday collection comes out. I like that NARS Undress Me highlighter stick, though, and I'm digging Armani's orange 300 lipstick -- I might get that this paycheck.
I feel sorry for that poor piggie (the only cute one).
Submitted by Deb on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 7:59pm.
Evil_Cupcake! Jinx on the ALL CAPS "ALL OVER AMERICA"!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
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Great minds and all. ; )
The father, Sugar Bear, is totally hen-pecked. I certainly hope he is getting some on the side, but I'm afraid that if he were found out Mama June would sit on him and he'd be done for. I love Glitzy, though -- so adorable!!!