6 Mud-Covered Gems From The Premiere Of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June
"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June
"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June
"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June
"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile
"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.
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Thanks, SANS FARDS. It IS a hard, but very logical and economical language. I'm learning to write it too.
Joy geen, all! (see you soon!)
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
*Tilts head and narrows eyes...then widens eyes..then narrows eyes*
What a literal physical and visual defintion of "Mouth Breathers" these assholes are...YET they seem more well adjusted than the Duggars...And the sad part, minus the fucking pageantry shit...I KNOW PEOPLE LIKE THIS!
PS: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN PLANET!!!!!!
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"What if all you understand could fit into the center of a hand? And then you found it wasn't you, who held the sum of everything you knew?"
Within, yeah, hon. It starts in my lower back and/or shoulders, and becomes a huge headache. I'm out of vicodin for weeks. I need the heating pad.
My Cantonese teacher is really cool. We get together when I'm in HK to visit the hub. She teaches me a ton of cultural stuff, slang, AND bad words. She's in her mid-30's, married, and pregnant with their first baby.
I gotta see if I can get through the class. Anyway, take care, hon!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by Deb on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:09pm.
Speaking of any lingo, my Cantonese class starts in a few minutes and I have a splitting bacl/neck/headache, which is NOT conducive to my Chinese comprehension!
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Jeebus....good luck with that. Chinese looks impossible.
I'm taking a Portuguese class online right now using LiveMocha. I know French and Spanish already so I figured Portuguese would be a breeze....not so. The pronunciation and grammar are a little wacky. LiveMocha is kind of fun; I'd recommend it for anyone looking for a free and easy way to learn the basics of a language.
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"SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!"
*shakes fist at the sky*
Damn you, NileSat!!! Why isn't TLC on my dish!!! WHY!!!
*sobs*
Although I shall never watch this show and must depend on Michael K for colour commentary and the odd clip I admit to finding this odious little Honey Boo Boo Chile strangely compelling.
ubmitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:02pm.
. Oh sorry, I meant, you'd have GOTTEN lost...
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Lol!! What's up with that Reason, is that actually poor English, seriously.
tardistraveler - I had to look it up, too, because I wasn't sure either. He's sort of like Jon Hamm that way- looks completely different out of period costume. When he's out of costume, he sort of looks like Jim from The Office.
I cannot wait for that show to come back. Besides there being lots of hotness, it's a great show.
Deb, do you still have the pain from the other day? See you abuse your body... and it will pay you back! Is there nothing to relieve it? :(
Painting and Cantonese, now YOU have productive downtime! LOL Will they just be linguistics/conversation or is there some culture and cuisine in there too?! Sounds fun!
And I love fhuk, err... fukh! ☺
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:03pm.
Want to see my vagina? It's Irish, you know!
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Um EXCUSE ME!!!
*dangles bunny by the ears over pot of boiling water!*
Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:07pm.
Mama the Hutt in a bandage dress shaking her hamhocks and biscuit!
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Uncle Brain-fart: "This is not the South, ya`ll. Just a good 75 percent."
Brb, repealing my love for Southern accents.
@louise. Yes that is who I meant. I am terrible with names.
Submitted by greenfinch on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:57pm.
mk forgot to mention that there are like train tracks on 3 sides of the house.
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I don't know if this is true and I don't know why I fucking can't stop laughing. Oh God, Lmao!
I bet her biscuit is enormous.
IF and Within - huh, huh...I said Phuket.
Speaking of fekkin' Irish, I'm getting together with my good friend who spent her first 14 years in Dublin before moving here this weekend to do some painting.
Speaking of any lingo, my Cantonese class starts in a few minutes and I have a splitting bacl/neck/headache, which is NOT conducive to my Chinese comprehension!
I may just meet with my teacher briefly (online of course) and tell her I can't think.
Goofing around in english is much easier on the brain!
Ngoh mh syu fukh. (huh, huh...I said fukh).
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:03pm.
Sans Fards, I didn't know you loved Ireland and the Irish so much! Want to see my vagina? It's Irish, you know!
Good for you though!
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Why, I would be honoured! there, see, I put the "u" in, just like in British/Irish English.
Yeah, I've always had a yen for Ireland....I studied abroad there years ago in Galway and have been really into it ever since! Lovely country, with lovely people. It rained a lot, though. Never quite got used to that.
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"SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!"
No. *relieved that I don't have to have any gross out images in my mind*
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
Twatty, do you think she's doing it on purpose? I mean, come on. I didn't see her in Toddlers and Tiara's, did she talk like that then? *barfs*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by tardistraveler on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:02pm.
Do you mean Owen (I think that is his name) on Boardwalk Empire? The one Margaret did the one and done with? LOVE HIM. He's cute, but that accent just pushes him into hot.
Defeated. That is the only word to describe the Dad. This is not the South, ya`ll. Just a good 75 percent of it.
And I never heard of a Food Auction, but we do have a Mrs Baird`s Bakery Outlet. And yeah, my country ass shops there.
God, that NECK on that Momma. JFC.
My 300+lb redneck cousin talks this imbecile.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Wait she's not talking aout an actual biscuit? D :
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
@Hekki: Yea those Jesuits are crazy. The Jesuits at my college were evil and blasphemous with their liberal anti war way. Haha.
After seeing this fat pig, I rethought my after dinner dessert, and opted for watermelon instead of sugar cookies.
Sans Fards, I didn't know you loved Ireland and the Irish so much! Want to see my vagina? It's Irish, you know!
Good for you though!
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Dark-sided!
Whamo, Don't even think about it, you'd get lost in her folds... Oh sorry, I meant, you'd have GOTTEN lost in her folds, ahahahah
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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@crazyassmom: They should totally teach. There is nothing more hot than a Scottish or Irish accent on man (even if it is fake). I was watching The View (Hi my name is tardistraveler and I have an addiction to crappy tv) and Kevin McKidd was on. Despite the hottess of Kevin, that accent on him just mad my lady parts so happy.
Plus, these Irish dudes on Boardwalk Empire despite being murderous sociopaths are incredible sexy as well.
Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 9:00pm.
Remember that box-shaped gorilla woman from one of the Real Housewives shows trying to be sessy in a bikini?
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Another term she used last night, when referring to the extent the meat was cooked, was "cookedness." Yes, I actually wrote that shit down, along with "vajiggle jaggle."
LOL@ Deb!
I feel sorry for anyone learning Irish - it's so hard when I think of it from a non-Irish person's perspective.
Just to say: The word "Irish" IS translated as "Gaelic" but the "Gaelic" language includes different dialects including Scottish ones.
Also, when I say "I speak French" that's what I say - "I speak French". I don't say "I speak le Francais". So when speaiing in Englis, we say "I speak Irish" rather than "I speak Gaelic".
I have complicated everything. You're welcome !
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Dark-sided!
Deb said Phuket, Deb said Phuket, teeheehee
*Hi*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠░░░░
Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:50pm.
Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:41pm.
I can't look at that woman's face. She and that Big Ang. *shudder*
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Just imagine Big Ang, Mama the Hutt here, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, and
Jan Crouch.
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I'm nauseous now.
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
That mum is only 32!!! No way!!!
OMG she is so HOT, for a date I'd bring 4 liters of boxed wine, a feeding trough, a 100lb bag of..make that a 200lb bag of flour, a wheelbarrow of chocolates, a full condom bodysuit, a miners helmet with light, 50 feet of rope in case I fall in and need to be rescued...oh ya as well as a jar of Viagra.
And guys you're eyes would be half open too if you had to blink 18lb eyelids all day!
Crazyassmom: my kids' school starts teaching Latin in the 5th grade. Those wacky Jesuits!
mk forgot to mention that there are like train tracks on 3 sides of the house.
BTW, us 'Merkins don't have the copyright on fat and underdressed at the beach.
In February the hub and I went to Phuket, Thailand (from Hong Kong), and the place is filled with Russian tourists who make Honey Boo Boo and Mama June look like Mary-Kate Olsen and Tilda Swindon.
I mean lots of huge fat topless women with knee-bangers and their 9 months preggo-looking husbands in Speedos. *shudders*
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:35pm.
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That is soo cool. They don't teach any really "cool" languages over here, at least that I know of. You know, the unique ones like Irish
(Or Gaelic, interesting to know that they are one in the same. I always thought they were two different languages), Scottish, etc. May not be useful (depending on where you live), but just, ...cool. Lol
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"Birds are doomed when pussies can fly"- MK
You horz have me ROLLING with your comments! Sitting on the sofa with Mr. Hekki rolling his eyes AT&T cackling.
It's the best medicine.
Nanners, one should not have so much lard dangling from their chin that it needs lipo! *gags*
Be back...have an urge to go for a jog.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by C6 on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:41pm.
Team Gaelic and any multilingual here
Dad was a linguist through HS; 4 yrs Latin, 2 yrs Gaelic in study abroad years. Irish Catholic HS. He went on to be a Comm Tech in the Army due to his early exposure.
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hiii C6! Thosaigh me ag foghlaim Gaeilge ("I started learning Irish," IrishFury can correct me if this is completely wrong, LOL). An teanga deacair agus iontach!
I've tried to teach myself, b/c I've always been fascinated with Ireland and the Irish language. It's slow going though. It's definitely the hardest language I've tried to learn. I generally do pretty well with grammar, but I honestly cannot pronounce the stuff for the life of me.
I'm wondering whether to spring for Rosetta Stone; I've heard good things.
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"SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!"
Submitted by Gardening Girl: "I know we all laugh and snark on Boo and her mom but I wonder how it makes that kid feel to be paraded around with pretty little bitches. It cant be easy showing up all bloated and with that beast of a mom."
Well, lots of those moms are hambeasts. I've never seen a pageant mom who was normal.
Not to harp on it, but they seem like a pretty supportive family and Boo Boo seems to have uh... healthy self esteem. How she feels deep down inside? She's probably happy she's beating all those pretty little bitches with HER OWN TV SHOW.
That's reason enough for me to like the show.
Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:41pm.
I can't look at that woman's face. She and that Big Ang. *shudder*
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Just imagine Big Ang, Mama the Hutt here, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, and
Jan Crouch.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:32pm.
Sometimes I wish I just didn't give a toss.
I'd never workout/move/exercise, I'd eat and snack all day long, I'd be ok with tent dresses and muu muus and I'd just keep on truckin'.
I'm not saying all fat people don't care but a lot don't, including this family. It's just preferable to eat, sit back and not give a fuck.
*sigh*
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Yeah, Fury. It's all fun and games until you try to ride your scooter up the escalator....
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
just watched Weight of the Nation on HBO's website, and I can't with this. life is too short to knock off years with no diet control and no exercise.
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"I felt very still & very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."
Cappy- damn, that's it! I knew as soon as I typed it (Galiec), it didn't look right! Lol. Wow...that's a lot of lingos! Lol
I started taking Latin in Jr High but gave it up. That shit was tough!
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"Birds are doomed when pussies can fly"- MK
Submitted by crazyassmom on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:42pm.
Ummm, Crazy, this beast ain't talking about the ham biscuits from Hardee's, if ya get mah drift.
*vomits again*
Wha...ahhhh. Ok, gotcha'.
*gags as running from thread*
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"Birds are doomed when pussies can fly"- MK
Submitted by DianaDeath on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 8:44pm.
WHY am I wondering which of Mama's chins gets the pearl necklace??? *barfs*
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JESUS! *makes sign of the cross* Why are you guys doing this to meeeeeeee!
*cries*
Still can't believe the "Learning Channel" is at this level now. Nothing is sacred. Next will be AMC and PBS.
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“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' He's two. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” -George Carlin (RIP MCA and C.Hitchens) *caprica six was/is here*