The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization’s crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole’ stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile’s tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt’s foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I’ll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night’s 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here’s just a few that I’m hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren’s grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
“You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain’t the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it’s brand new.” – Mama June
“There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don’t see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There’s girls bigger than me and they’ve got them bikinis on that literally they eatin’ the bikini. Their body is just eatin’ it like SLURP!” – Mama June
“If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they’re healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect.” – Mama June
“There’s a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it.” – Mama June
“That’s a girl name, Glitzy. We’re going to make it a girl pig, so he’s going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we’re making it a girl pig and it’s a boy pig.” – Honey Boo Boo Chile
“It’s called a ‘biscuit’ cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um…. You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it’s cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee’s or something, you can…” – Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee’s every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June’s “biscuit” when you bite into that.