As Robert Pattinson leaves sparkly tear stains on Reese Witherspoon’s country couch (read that as “Reese Witherspoon’s country cooch” if you need a more interesting visual today), the Health Department is knocking on Giovanni Agnelli’s door after getting complaints from the neighbors about the rank scent of curdled armpit cream and dirty butt sweat coming from his place. It wasn’t from a bunch of squattin’ hobos having an orgy. It was from Kristen Stewart wallowing in her stank misery, because RPattz won’t call her baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
Some source tells Radar that KStew is in the Sunset Plaza area, hiding out in the house of her producer friend Giovanni Agnelli (not to be confused with Lapo Elkann’s grandpa). The source says that KStew has gone against nature and achieved the impossible by actually feeling real emotion. KStew is bawling, eating ice cream, bawling, eating ice cream and bawling some more, and she’s doing all of it far, far away from a shower.
“She is beyond mortified and humiliated and she is also broken hearted. She says she truly loved Rob. She says he was her soul mate, but she blew it and now she is scared that she has lost him forever. She is pretty much inconsolable.
Kristen hasn’t showered or changed or washed her hair in several days. She is laying around in her T-shirt and shorts and eating ice cream. She really wants to believe that she can win back Rob, but I think deep down she knows that isn’t the case.”
If who ever is in charge of KStew’s publicity shit leaked this, then they should’ve at least made it believable. KStew can’t cry and if she could cry out natural tears, she would only cry if her weed box was empty. Also, they should’ve said that KStew is so sad and confused that she accidentally wandered into a place she never goes, the shower, and did something she hardly ever does, clean her body with a sponge. Bitch’s heartbroken misery drove her to shower! Now, that would’ve been a story.
Also, KStew’s people should’ve just released this as her official statement on the whole thing: