These Aren’t Beyonce’s Nails

August 4, 2012 / Posted by:

The only news source in the world I trust The Daily Mail posted a breaking news story this morning about how Beyonce took this picture of her hilariously terrifying nails and posted it to her Tumblr. My first thought about this was, “Where was I when the master Rembrandt resurrected himself and started  working as a nail artist in some salon in Tribeca?” Because those nails are HIGH art. My second thought about this was, “Does Beyonce realize how close hers and Jay-Z’s faces will be to her culo lips when she wipes her butt? Is she that far up her own ass?” That second thought was one of my many dumb bitch moments, because Beyonce has never wiped her own ass. Silly me. That’s what a bidet is for. And by a bidet, I mean a little person dressed as a golden cherub who stands next to her toilet and spits out champagne whenever she sticks her butt in his face.

But guess what? For the first time in journalism history, The Daily Mail got something wrong! I know, slap your ass and say it ain’t so. But they did. These aren’t Beyonce’s nails. These are one of her fan’s nails and Beyonce loved them so much (because her face are on ’em, duh) that she posted it on her Tumblr. I can laugh at this fan for being crazy, but I’m not one to talk, because my butt would smell like glue if they made Prince Hot Ginge decals for your ass lips.

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