Who Needs A Fanny Pack When You’ve Got Titty Pockets?

August 2, 2012 / Posted by:

Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she’s keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he’s doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I’m guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.

1. The face is just one color. Isn’t there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could’ve bought some hot pink Wet ‘n Wild lip gloss or something?

2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.

3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she’s not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It’s the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.

Jessica could’ve made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it’s okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate’s husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin’s sister.

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