Who Needs A Fanny Pack When You've Got Titty Pockets?

Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she's keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he's doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I'm guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.

1. The face is just one color. Isn't there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could've bought some hot pink Wet 'n Wild lip gloss or something?

2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.

3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she's not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It's the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.

Jessica could've made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it's okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate's husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin's sister.

Wenn.com

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by pixxxie on Sat, 08/04/2012 - 8:57am.

I thinks biel has hit the casting couch a few times. I think her acting is awful. Growing up I used to wish they'd kill her off on 7th heaven but the closest I got was her being shipped off to buffalo.

Submitted by pixxxie on Sat, 08/04/2012 - 8:56am.

I believe you kiki. I haven't personally but a few friends of mine have met colin and each have said very high things of him. Apparently all in agreement say he's got the type of personality that pulls you in and you just want to be around him. From the posts about him back when he was seen with b. Spears I assumed he was just some jackass. How wrong I was.

Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 10:23pm.

I saw these three at Comic Con. Jessica Biel sucked as much as I thought she would. She also looks exactly as she does in person as she does in person - forgettable. I was never a big fan of Beckinsale - I tend to like her better in indies, but she is so gorgeous in person (I find she's inconsistent in pictures) and was very funny, warm and charming. I have to say I'm now a fan. Colin Farrell was handsome and off-the-cuff hilarious. Very, very quick on his feet. I am still bewildered by Biel's 'career'. She sucks.

Submitted by JulzNo1Zero on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 4:06pm.

Preach IT! Number one: there are approximately 500 Native American tribes in the U.S. Number two: I have two girlfriends who are Native American. One is full-blooded Chippewa whose husband is full-blooded Blackfoot. They both grew up on reservations. The other is 1/4 Wampanoag. The first used to say the following 'What is it with White people obsession with claiming they are part Cherokee?! You come and take my land and now you're trying to claim my heritage? Here - take the keys to my car and house while you're at it.'

Me: 'I'm second generation Irish-American. It's kind of boring.'
Friend #1: "Oh honey, with your black hair and hooded eyes, you look more Native than 95% of the assholes claiming heritage."
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.

Submitted by pixxxie on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 7:19pm.

no matter what jessica does to herself she still looks like a butch lesbian they are trying to put a costume on.

her body is nice but she's so meh

Submitted by MadgesVadge on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 12:23pm.

I might be in the minority here, but even though Jessica Biel has a rockin' bod, I don't find her all that hot. Don't know what it is, but there's something weird about her face. Maybe she's got too much mouth, like Julia Roberts?
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom

Submitted by moomarse on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 9:30am.

Night of the Horrifying Dresses?

Just because someone has a skinny ass doesn't mean they can turn any piece of shit fabric into a fabulous dress.....

Badbadbadbad........

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Back from vacation? Vacation from where? The Willy Wonka factory? The Al Jolson Resort? MERCURY? MK - 8/1/12

Submitted by letinstar on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 6:37am.

thumbnail #6...pointy head or bumpits?

_____________________________________________
"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 4:45am.

Jessica Biel has never been known for her fashion sense, so this is not shocking to me. But nor does it help her out in the "I'm NOT a lesbian" department!

Beckinsale, on the other hand, is a goddess and should have he,per that other trick out in a time of need!

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Submitted by loopygorilla on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 12:29am.

Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:40pm.

Beckinsale is another untalented, overrated bitch who only gets work because she is fucking the director. Love her "derp" face in one of those pictures.

In interviews, you can tell she really thinks highly of herself, which if her opinion is based on her talent, she shouldn't.

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that's why i said she has got the right idea.

why audition and go through all that shit, just marry and fuck the director and in every film he makes, you play a leading role.

Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 11:33pm.

Now I want a donut...*drools*

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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!

Submitted by skabazzle on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 9:39pm.

Submitted by squiggles on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 10:52pm.

I like Jessica. Saw her on Graham Norton and she was so funny talking about binging on 24 donuts and 2 pizzas on her "cheat" day.

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That was a cute video. She definitely comes across much better there than just in these red carpet pics. I love pizza and doughnuts too, girl!

Lindsay Lohan's costar's nalgas flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.

Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 9:30pm.

NO!

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠░░░░

Submitted by squiggles on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 9:22pm.

Sobriety looks good on Colin.

I like Jessica. Saw her on Graham Norton and she was so funny talking about binging on 24 donuts and 2 pizzas on her "cheat" day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy1MsAStb1M&feature=player_embedded#!

As for these pics, hairstyle is not good. Could use a more vibrant color and bolder make-up.

Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 8:25pm.

Jessica's dress is cute, but I'm not really into that color. And her body is SICK!
Ok so maybe I care about more than Colin. Lol

I'm NOT seeing this movie. I'm TIRED of movies with special effects and shit. I feel like slitting my wrists every time I see ads for a new one or somebody on FB is talking about how "good" the latest superhero movie is. Aaaaahhhhh!!!

_________________________

The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!

Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 8:18pm.

I don't care about anything else here EXCEPT Colin Farrell. 

_________________________

The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!

Submitted by Hockey fan on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:35pm.

Fuck her titty pockets--- I WANT COLIN FARRELL!!! NOW!!! Damn, there ain't nothin like a hot Irishman who's down to party.

Submitted by Dorasaur on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:35pm.

The dress is so cute! The person wearing it makes me go 'meh'.

Submitted by skabazzle on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:26pm.

She is pretty imo but bangs are not a good look for her. I'd kill to have her arms and shoulders! And her boobage!

Lindsay Lohan's costar's nalgas flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.

Submitted by skabazzle on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:16pm.

Submitted by Who Datt on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:29pm.

Hahahah that picture is amazing!!

Lindsay Lohan's costar's nalgas flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.

Submitted by Who Datt on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 5:59pm.

Jessica Biel was indescribably hot at the 2007 Golden Globes. P. Diddy agreed:

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/pictures809_html.htm

Submitted by Stoney on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 5:24pm.

Jessica's problem, besides the horrendous dress, is that her haircolor washes her out. She looked a lot better blonde. Awesome body, though. She should show it off in a killer mini. Lol, yes I want her blonde and in a short skirt. I'm a misogonist today haha.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."

Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 5:00pm.

Submitted by can be a pushy broad on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 6:23pm.
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I never ask that question. But I do love Mr. Darcy! Yes I do! ololol

•-•-•-•-•-•
"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠░░░░

Submitted by can be a pushy broad on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 4:53pm.

Gay or straight, that Colin Farrell, cleaned up
is one fine looking guy. imo
He was really good in Crazy Heart

Submitted by Wanted on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 4:11pm.

Man these bland basic bitches!!!!! They should have made Shauna Sand and Chicken Cutlets the stars of this film. There may be no plot, but at least you get REAL elegance and TRUE glamour.

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"Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."
- Andrés García Torres, inventor of the Catholic Anus Ruler

Submitted by bambam on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 4:01pm.

She has Butta Face. She should stop trying to look so feminine, get a nice short cut and go Marlene Deitrich on Hollywood.

We're accepting of same sex marriages, why not a lezzie leaning woman, at least one who plays at it.

And Colin's unibrow is well manicured ain't it?

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Gals are "just friends." Guys are "just waitin."

Submitted by skinny fat on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:52pm.

Poor Jessica. She tries SO HARD on the red carpet and always fails. Always. Great body, face not so much.

Submitted by KA on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:47pm.

she has a very nice and enviable body and im sure she worked hard for that. but shes so not attractive to me. she's just so plain.

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"It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists." MK

Submitted by TracieTracieTracie on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:39pm.

I love the dress, it's from Dior's latest collection. She does need to get rid of that sourpuss though.

Submitted by Das ist ein Dreck on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:37pm.

Submitted by shandi on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 4:11pm.

I have never understood her appeal.

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Honey you're just being ridiculous. I'm with you that her face is plain but her body is smokin and you can see that. Hell even Stevie Wonder could see that! Who are you kiddin?

She does strike me as the type who works out 2 hours a day following a training program developed by NASA engineers sculpturing every inch of her body, while bigotting how she's too pretty to get more challenging roles as an actress.

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Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna

Submitted by warmislandsun on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:37pm.

Colin's sister is gorgeous. She is much prettier than that Biel thing with the beige face.

Submitted by Das ist ein Dreck on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:07pm.

Exhibit no. 12.456 accounting for Timberfag to be homosexual.
If you don't believe it, join the ranks of those grams who back in the stoneage called everyone as jelliz hater who let the cat out about George Michael or Freddie Mercury.

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Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna

Submitted by Viper on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:01pm.

Is it just me or is Colin Farrell giving us some constipated gayface?

Submitted by guest on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:51pm.

Colin's sister's shoes are fug.

Submitted by shandi on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:41pm.

I have never understood her appeal. She has always looked so PLAIN to me, and the first time I remember seeing her was on that boring ass Seventh Heaven show. She looks like a muppet or something.

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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK

Submitted by JulzNo1Zero on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:36pm.

Why is it every brunette white girl born in this country always wants to claim they're native american. "Oh I'm part Cherokee" or "I'm part Navajo". Those are not the only tribes out there so shut the fuck up, your ass is Indian as the turquoise jewelry sold on Home Shopping Network, get over yourself!

Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:34pm.

I'd give anything for that karate chopping upper body.

Submitted by saltydog88 on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:33pm.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 3:39pm.
catfight, KB didn't always look that way. Google pics of her in the movie "Last Days Of Disco". Terrible movies, and she was nowhere near gorgeous. She's had some great work done.
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I go back and fourth on that with her. When I look at Cold Comfort Farm (older than Last Days of Disco) she looks almost exactly the same, she is thinner now with much better hair and make-up and she got her teeth fixed but I don't really see much else as different.

Submitted by bitchSpray on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:32pm.

colin farrell. nice try, but i still wouldn't.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:09pm.

catfight, KB didn't always look that way. Google pics of her in the movie "Last Days Of Disco". Terrible movies, and she was nowhere near gorgeous. She's had some great work done.

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That's where the pain comes in
Like a second skeleton
Trying to fit beneath the skin
I can't fit the feelings in

Submitted by letinstar on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:09pm.

colin farrel looks really great...
_____________________________________________
"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr

Submitted by catfight357 on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:08pm.

Kate Beckinsale is one of the few women in the world I would trade looks with. I think she's gorge and has great hair. Though for the first time ever, I spot a mustache on her (#14). Humph...

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:05pm.

lol ESE♥ you get me!! Really, the dress just destroys her killer bod, and that necklace UGH waaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

Colin, call me baby.

Submitted by Half Empty on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 2:03pm.

I don't get her appeal and I don't think this JT wedding is going to happen. She's too vanilla for him. IF it goes through, I give it less than a year.

"Isn't one-and-only supposed to be like one? And only?"

Submitted by Daniee on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 1:59pm.

Biel has a real hot body, but I have to say that some girls should not wear pastels (me included).
Colin looks great. His sister is cute.

Submitted by Gigaboob on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 1:43pm.

I actually think she looks pretty good, but the dress is so not appropriate for this premiere. It's too formal. And my God this girl cannot act for shit. I get second hand embarrassment when I see the commercial for this pos movie. I have to change the channel. So awful.