RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon's Laura Ashley Curtains
If you live in Ojai, CA and are wondering why all the grocery stores are out of Entenmann's devil's food cake, raw cookie dough logs and tubs of cream cheese frosting, it's because RPattz bought all of it and is sitting on Reese Witherspoon's living room floor trying to drown his hurt emotions with gallons and gallons of artificially sweetened carbs while cry singing along to "Bust Your Windows." Since every tabloid wants to turn this Kristen Stewart and RPattz break-up into the worst and saddest episode of The Love Boat by dropping in cameos from a bunch of Hollywood stars, both People and UsWeekly say that Reese Witherspoon is letting him mend his broken heart in her fancy Ojai ranch.
RPattz and Reese became friends while shooting Agua Para Elefantes and so when Kristen Stewart punched the glitter out of his heart by doing dry butt sex with that married director, Reese gave him the keys to her $7 million Ojai vacation ranch to hide out in. KStew has been calling RPattz to beg him to take her cheating whore ass back, but he doesn't want to hear it. Basically, he's saying Ojbai in Ojai. (I know, I need to stop.) Here's what UsWeekly has to say about this mess:
As Pattinson attempts to relax chez Witherspoon, he is, according to another source, "a total mess . . . He's questioning everything."
An "inconsolable" Stewart, meanwhile, has been reaching out via texts and phone calls. "She's dying to save the relationship. It's the only thing she cares about," a Stewart source says.
Oh, please. RPattz should be squee-ing into his bong now that he's free of that bland bitch. More pot for him! RPattz should also be happy that he's rich, can take time off and has rich friends with fancy ass country houses for him to be all sad in. RPattz doesn't know what it's like to be heartbroken and all out of sick days to use. It sucks sitting in your cubicle, under fluorescent lighting, the morning after your shit got dumped or you found out your ho cheated on you. Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling.
If RPattz running off to Reese's ranch isn't just another stunt move in this possible stunt of all stunts, then I hope she has farm animals there. And I hope that some of those farm animals are goats (no, I'm not about turn this into a story about goat rebound sex, so no need to flinch), and I hope that some of those goats are jumping goats. Because nothing turns a frown into an awwwww like a bitchy, racist, drop-kicking baby goat:
Wait. Do baby goats bite their lips? If they do and RPattz sees this, then Entenmann's better back up their truck directly into Reese's driveway, because it's going to be a long weekend.
Here's pictures from Elle Decor of Reese's ranch. Shit looks like Pottery Barn's snobby cousin (let's call it Marble Barn) farted all up in there.
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Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:28pm.
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Lmao Lucy♥, trust me, nothing gets started without you! Hahahaa
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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This sounds like a case for Taylor Swift!
Drat, she just got with a Kennedy. Good luck with that.
Submitted by Dog on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:29pm.
I didn't realise it was; I've been waiting for OP because for the first time since the games began I feel compelled to talk about it. Cannot be bothered scrolling through this topic though.
Way to much information.
Submitted by tomahawk on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:26pm.
Submitted by Paquita on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:16pm.
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I think the goat loved me - there was no one else it could have that much fun with ;)
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I had some tacos de barbacoa this weekend, hope it wasn't your goat lover :/
goat and tomahawk 4evaaa
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Excuse me, how did this non-OP thread become the Olympics thread?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by WithinReason... on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:15pm.
Hey Ms. Twatty, for a sec there I read that as "hooker"
I read it as "hooker" too and thought there is something my lover is not telling me... Ha!
Oh, FFS, this jackass needs to stop acting like a lovestruck 13 year old and man the hell up. As soon as I heard what she did I bet he curled up in a ball on the floor bawling, and this story makes me think I was spot on. Nothing worse than a wishy washy sparkle-headed vampire.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Paquita on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:16pm.
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I think the goat loved me - there was no one else it could have that much fun with ;)
@ Within,
I'm holdin' down the fort fer sure. I heard a report on NBC's coverage of women's events, it's higher than it ever was.
The top four covered events are swimming, gymnastics, diving and beach volleyball, i.e. the sports with the least amount of clothing worn. Ha!
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Gals are "just friends." Guys are "just waitin."
WR, moms took the pictures...she said she didnt see it happeing...right!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by tomahawk on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:46pm.
Hahahaha, I imagined the scene perfectly. No wonder you hate goats.
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:08pm.
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Hey Ms. Twatty, for a sec there I read that as "hooker" ololol I was getting my wrestling bikini on, getting ready for a battle hahahahha Glad I caught my very *egregious* mistake! *muah*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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@ ME, I know right? Not as invested in the bodies like I am with the woman but for real, they aren't fuckin' around out there. They're beating each other up in that pool.
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Gals are "just friends." Guys are "just waitin."
bambam, makes you wanna watch the hell out of them sports... :P
Like your focus hombre! You are the ball! olol
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:03pm.
This guy needs to put his big girl panties on and suck it up... If I had his money, fame, etc. holy shit! THE WORLD IS YOUR PLAYGROUND! GIT. YOU. SUM.
C'mon Jack. You've seen this guy. You've seen him give that soulful gaze that drives the girls crazy, that look that says "I'm sooo sensitive."
Know what I call that look? That's his "I wanna suck your dick" face! Bwahahahahahahaha!
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Gals are "just friends." Guys are "just waitin."
Within -- hello, you little looker, yourself!!!
I want a baby goat, or even several of them. I have fond memories of them from seeing them at the zoo when I was a little kid. They were so sweet, the hungry little fuckers. I remember one of them nibbling on the edge of my mom's purse.
bambam - I was in awe watching the mens water polo yesterday. Not only were their bodies HOT AS FUCK, they were vicious in the water, dunking and holding down opponents on the other team.
I have never watched water polo before.
I love Goats! Just too cute. I used to drive a country road to get to work instead of the freeway just so I could stop and look at these cute billy goats for a couple of minutes. For 4 years! I wanted one as a pet but Mr. Pushy wouldn't have it. They probably stink. :)
This guy needs to put his big girl panties on and suck it up... If I had his money, fame, etc. holy shit! THE WORLD IS YOUR PLAYGROUND! GIT. YOU. SUM.
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Okay I will fess up, I am an Olympic groupie/geek. I hate some of this stuff but some things I can't get enough of.
Case in point, women's water polo. These bitches are vicious! They're smacking, smushing each other in the face, giving headlocks, throwing water in faces, really terrible stuff and that's above water.
Down below (plenty of butt action) they're grabbing everything, whatever they can get away with.
Everyone has their fantasy fuck athlete, I think I found mine. Gimme one a them Big Bertha Dutch country lookin mamas who play water polo. That's some good wrasslin' sex right there.
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Gals are "just friends." Guys are "just waitin."
I’ve been a long time member of this blog site, but I haven’t blogged in a while. But I read religiously every day and night!!!! I have to!! How else will I get my stomach aching, eye watering laughs?
Thank you MK!!!
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 1:50pm.
*Yawn*
Why would he be devastated over a fake relationship with an ugly lip biter?
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MADRE!!
I was actually biting my lip when I read that, LOL!
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by little_rascal on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 1:33pm.
Reese's ranch looks nice, but I don't like all those horns on the walls.
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Seriously, right next to a mirror, too, so you can see yourself losing an eye on one of them.
´¨¨) -:¦:-
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(¸¸.•´ ..•´ but what do I know?-:¦:-
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"Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling"
Spot on MK!
When I was a child we had a farm or whatever, and I got a pet goat. I heard later that he was delicious. :o(
I've seen that decor in hipster bars.
The more I see RPatz face, the more I think that Hollywood is not just dumb, but damn blind as well
I do not eat goat. Not the meat, not the curdled milk nor the cheeeeeeeeeeze.
awww i just finally watched, the goats WERE actually kinda cute!
I still wouldn't eat them tho...
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
Jebus, I remember when I finally ended it with the ex up ALL FUCKNG NIGHT yelling, screaming, packing and throwing shit then trying to function at work the next day (I was new at the job and had NO sick time or vacation yet, still on probationary period). That was the longest fucking day of my life. Slightly embarassing also was end of the day, walking to my car with fellow employees and it's full of boxes and clothes. YUP I'M HOMELESS!
With all his money, doesn't this mother fucker own any property? Is there any more proof needed that this is manufactured?
GG- LMAO!!
A goat tried to eat my skirt at the county fair once, but that's not nearly as funny.
My parents used to take us to a farm for holidays and the owners had the GREAT idea to get a goat and chain her to the long metal leash which was formerly for their dog who became a hermit. That leash was meant to roll along up and down a hill and it left a lot of area for the leashed animal to move. Every time this stupid fucking goat saw me going down the hill, which was paved, it would cover at the barn to the left, the leash was on right and then run so it would drag my feet under my body with this fucking leash - that happend a lot of times and to this day I passionately hate goats!!!
(Though I want to adopt the black ones from the video)
And; Reese: Antlers are still uncool when painted white - why would you paint them anyway?
GG, lmao at your goat and kiddies story. And the photographer (mom/dad?), never warned you and just let it happen? Priceless! ahahahhahaha Poor lil' GG! ;)
OnT: won't look at the house, I hate those spread pictorials hehehehe
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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That decor is pretty cliched and craptacular. The house is beautiful.
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If I see something I haven't seen before, I'll throw a dollar at it.
Her decor is a strange mix of "Carpathian castle" and "American pioneer."
Paquita- I understand. I may have had to leave the office to go sob in my car a few times.
The only way this affair is going to become real to me is when Rupert shows up wearing a sailor hat whilst carrying his cum stained dress around as DNA proof that the two of them were together.
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"Indeed, the first cause of human ignorance....is subjection to authority which does not merit it." Robert Grosseteste (d. 1253)
Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:40pm.
Oh boy. *heavy sigh, pitying look at Whamo*
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LOL!
Scott Peterson. Drew Peterson. Michael Peterson. Hm..
Me thinks Buttermilk needs to take it's prozac.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Twatty, well, hello there good-lookin'! lol
*shaking and waving*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:35pm.
But how is little goat boy going to get his money out of the country!!??? I HAVE to help him, besides he's going to put 10,000 goat dollars in my account so, how can I lose!
Oh boy. *heavy sigh, pitying look at Whamo*
AHAHA more baby goat talk that Rpatz-KStew lol *BURN*
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Within -- hey, baby! *waving*
MY GOAT STORY...actually I cant remember it but I haz the photographic proof. There are a set of black and white 4x4 photos my mom has of when the three of us were little (4,5 and 6) and visiting my grandpa's farm. Pic 1 is a head shot of my baby sister but over her shoulder you see me standing there minding my ownd buisiness and a baby goat is eyeballing me. Pic 2 Baby sis is still smiling all purdy, I'm still standing ther all durr and baby goat is RUNNING at me with its lil hornes aimed at my ass. Pic 3 Baby sis still smyzing, baby goat is walking away and I'm covered in dirt and filth crying my eyes out. Memories!!!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
I know they weren't even together, but having your breakup be front page kind of sucks goat balls. I will never put "on a relationship" on Facebook for the shame and public embarrasment of having to remove it.
And MK, you speak the word of Dlisted, breaking up, having your shit thrown out, and going to work the next day is AWFUL! I can tell you I act as professional as I can be leaving all home/heart/friend shit out of work, but sometimes you just break down because there is no more diet pepsi on the fridge after holding a good cry for 5 hours.
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:28pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:23pm.
Apparently they are Nigerian dwarf goats
Whatever you do, don't give them your bank account #.
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But how is little goat boy going to get his money out of the country!!??? I HAVE to help him, besides he's going to put 10,000 goat dollars in my account so, how can I lose!
gotta love how the sparkly one got handed the keys to the hacienda while twat face went back to parents tail between skanky legs. wheres ex co stars ryan reynolds jesse eisenberg garett hudlund keys when u need them. their significant others or moms would probably explode an ovary for such a thought ! on the other hand i hope bear got an invite too he can frolick w goats, now remember bear no biting like mummy..
yes i dont have a life
If I ever doubted Michael K was a genius... calling out the baby goat for being racist is the funniest thing I ever heard in my entire life.