Macaulay Culkin Is Hooked On Heroin, So Says The Enquirer

August 1, 2012 / Posted by:

Nope.” is basically what Macaulay Culkin’s rep said earlier this year when asked if he was sick in a bad way or if he was bitten by a zombie. Macaulay’s rep was asked those questions after pictures of him looking like a shriveled turtle starring in a remake of The Machinist made the rounds. Macaulay’s rep added that he was perfectly healthy and nothing’s wrong, but according to The National Enquirer (via Radar), there’s a whole lot of wrong going on in Macaulay’s life.

The Enquirer claims that Macaulay has turned his apartment into a bad shit paradise and he spends most of his days in there getting high by himself or with a circle of junkie friends. (“Let me know when you need a subletter, Mac!” – Lindsay Lohan) The Enquirer’s source says a huge piece of his Home Alone money, $6,000 a month to be exact, goes to buy his two drugs of choice: heroin and oxycodone. The source went on to say that shit has gone from “serious” to “really serious” to “no, seriously, this is a man down code 10 situation,” because Macaulay has overdosed twice and his closest friends are afraid he’ll soon be moonwalking on the clouds in heaven with his old friend Michael Jackson.

“He’s addicted to heroin, oxyco done, Percocet and Vicodin. I have witnessed his drug taking, which has escalated over the past year and a half to the point where he needs serious help. His closest friends fear that he’ll overdose or his heart will explode. If he doesn’t get help and enter rehab now, he could be dead in six months. It [overdosing] should have been a wake-up call, but it didn’t seem to have any effect on him. Mac is still partying hard. I pray that he finds the courage and strength to clean up before it’s too late.”

“I was so shocked and concerned about seeing him shoot dragon chasing-syrup into his veins that I immediately picked up the phone and dialed the number 800-725-0000. No, that’s not the number for an addiction treatment helpline. That’s the number to The National Enquirer’s ‘dollas 4 tips’ line.”

Just like last time, Macaulay’s lawyers deny all of this and says he has never overdosed.

Meanwhile, Macaulay’s old girlfriend, Mila Kunis, is off in Bali gargling the rotten douche cream that spits out of Ashton Kutcher’s whore dick. Mila, stop being gross, drop the douche and get your bitch ass to NYC to force Macaulay to star in a real-life reboot of Home Alone called Rehab Alone, because this is not the way Kevin McCallister’s story is supposed to go.

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