Forget the Battle For Suri and Losing Nahla ’12, the real custody war we should all be focusing on is the one between RPattz and Kristen Stewart over their fur child Bear Pattinson-Stewart. Finally, a hobo hipster version of Kramer vs. Kramer with 100% more lip-biting, fleas (not from Bear) and vamp sparkles. Cue up the Vivaldi!
Bear was saved from flying up to heaven when RPattz and KStew adopted him from a high-kill shelter in New Orleans sometime last year. Before KStew wrecked her happy home by letting a married director wreck her bland coochie with his tongue (Why did I type that?), she and RPattz were planning to adopt another fur kid from a high-kill shelter in L.A. But Radar says those plans are off and now KStew will try to attempt the impossible by changing her one emotion from “duuuuuuuuurr” to “raaaaaaaaaaaaage” while fighting RPattz for Bear. You probably already heard what Radar’s source had to say about this when CNN covered this HIGHLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY last night, but read it again. It’s that important.
“After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear. She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby. But Rob was so hurt by Kristen’s actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man’s best friend and Bear is such a good companion. However, Kristen won’t give up Bear in a hurry. She helped Rob save Bear from Parvo disease, which nearly took its life when it was a puppy. She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy.”
Let’s break this down for Bear Pattinson-Stewart.
Kristen Stewart getting sole custody:
Cons – Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart. I can stop there, because that is a huge con, but I’ll keep going. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a mom who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pros – Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart, which means his 500 daily naps will be extra deep since he’ll always be bored from looking at her boring face. And Bear will always feel clean and pristine next to KStew’s dirty ass.
RPattz getting sole custody:
Cons – Bear runs the risk of Twihard saliva falling on his head when one of RPattz’s crazed fans slobbers all over his owner during one of their walks. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a dad who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pro – Bear won’t have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart.
Based on all of that, I say give sole custody to RPattz and let KStew have supervised visits every other week. If KStew can’t make her scheduled visit (because she’s too busy rubbing her box on married man tongue, obviously), then just let Bear spend some quality time with a piece of bleached chicken leather. He won’t know the difference.