You didn’t have to be stoned, drunk, crunk or mind-numbingly high on whatever was in your medication cabinet to fully embrace the clusterfuck of WTF foolery that Britain threw down during last night’s Opening Ceremony. High school history teachers should pass a joint around to their students and play last night’s Opening Ceremony if they really want British history to seep into their brains.
From Kenneth Branagh and his chorus of Isambard Kingdom Brunels (or as some of us lazy drunk Americans who didn’t feel like Googling called him, “Abrabrit Lincolns!”) to the nurses jiving over universal healthcare to the “It’s Voldemort, bitch!” moment to the ode to teen cell phone hook-ups, it was all sorts of WHAT?! (Side whisper: The part that really bothered me during the ode to teen cell phone hook-ups was when dude found her cell phone and called her OTHER cell phone with it. Homegirl had a second cell phone or did he call one of her friends’ phones? This was unclear and Danny Boyle should’ve really cleared it up if he wanted the audience to completely believe this Opening Ceremony teen cell phone hook-up situation!)
Before last night’s cavalcade of British acid trips, some hos kept saying that there’s no way London is going to top Beijing. But Danny Boyle had the right idea. If you can’t beat ’em, weird the fuck out of ’em. And one of the weirdest moments was when a giant, creepy glowing baby took over the field and let us know that yes, there will be creepy glowing babies in our nightmares for nights to come. That shit looked like Pinhead’s baby and it didn’t help that it was built like a bag of potatoes.
And of course, the night’s best moment came from THE QUEEN herself:
“Oh, let me see if there’s any fucks stuck under my nails. Nope. Fresh out of fucks.”
At one point, I wondered what the Opening Ceremony would look like if NYC won the bid. It would be a Michael Bay-directed 3-hour-long Pepsi commercial starring LMFAO as presidents of the past and the finale would be Oprah handing out gold medals to everyone.