The Voice Of Reason As Always

July 27, 2012 / Posted by:

While most of the Jackson family wrestles each other on a mountain of Michael Jackson’s fortune, we’ve all been wondering where the only Jackson we care about has been. Where was La Toya Jackson? Was Detective La Toya so deep under cover that the only way to contact her was to pass notes to Bubbles? Did crazy Randy Jackson kidnap La Toya too after realizing that she’s the crown jewel of the Jackson family and the executors of MJ’s estate would hand over everything to get her back? Has La Toya been oblivious to all of this foolery, because she’s been holed up in a German plastic surgeon’s office getting another pair of rubber testicles installed in her cheeks? The correct answer is: None of those!

TMZ says that La Toya has been missing in action, because she’s been too busy thinking with her brain unlike the others. La Toya is reading all the Jacksons and is telling them to turn down the crazy and stop fighting in public. TMZ’s source says that La Toya isn’t taking sides and is shaking her head at her brothers and sisters being fame whores by putting their family disputes in front of the cameras. La Toya has told all of them to handle this far away from the media.

Yes, La Toya is coming out of this as the sane one. You should probably hold on to something sturdy, because the sheer force of minds blowing over this will make the earth tip over. When La Toya looks deep into your insane eyes and tells you calmly that you’re a “crazy fame whore,” you need to start whistling out steam, because you’re a fucking kettle. It’s that serious.

In other Jackson family mess news, UsWeekly says that Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson will file for joint guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince. As long as Katherine and TJ both agree to keep MJ’s kids far away from Jermaine’s scary hard nipples, this could work.

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