Charlize Theron Hates Kristen Stewart Now

July 27, 2012 / Posted by:

Well, there goes Kristen Stewart’s standing invitation to come over to Charlize Theron’s house to smoke the good shit out of a kiwi pipe or whatever else she’s got lying in her fruit bowl. Charlize and Kristen bonded (aka hot boxed in their trailers together) while filming Ho White and the Cuntsman, and they got so close (aka Charlize let her finger bone her during a moment of weed-induced weakness) that Charlize said she’d jump off of a building for that trick. Don’t mind, Charlize, sometimes  the good shit smoke takes over and singlehandedly produces the foolery that comes out of her mouth. It happens to the best (see: seriously stoned) of us.

But Radar says that not even three hits from a vaporizer straw can smoke out the anger Charlize feels toward Kristen Stewart for letting a married man perform Twatlight: Munching Labia on her in a parked car. Charlize apparently ain’t mad at that Rupert Sanders skank for chewing up his marital vows by chewing on Kristen Stewart’s crotch, but she is mad at KStew. That’s what some source says anyway:

“Charlize is absolutely fuming with Kristen for having an affair with Rupert. She is very tight with Liberty, has often socialized with the family over dinner and cannot believe Kristin has done this. When they were filming Snow White and the Huntsman, Charlize felt like an older sister to Kristin, and they were always sharing advice.

Charlize confided to her new pal about her adoption plans. She even asked Kristin if she wanted to be her baby Jackson’s godmother – that was how close they were. But Charlize had no idea what was going on between Rupert and Kristin and now feels completely betrayed by the whole incident. It’s certainly left Charlize between a rock and a hard place, because she feels great sympathy for Liberty and the kids and yet, she has a sisterly love for Kristin.”

Okay, they had me until they got to the “godmother” part. If this is true (it’s not), then I need to know what Charlize is lacing her marijuana with, because that shit needs to be banned immediately by every government. What kind of stuff, if smoked, leads you to ask Kristen Stewart to be the godmother of a human child you care about on an emotional level? That is some dark-sided stuff. That stuff will also lead you to ask other inanimate objects (examples: a chewed-up sofa pillow, an empty Glade candle holder, a single anal bead, a bunion on your dog’s paw, the pork rind dust at the bottom of a bag of chicharones, a AA battery you keep in your freezer, etc…) to be your baby godmother. Charlize’s baby’s baptism is going to be a mess. When they ask his godmother to come forward, Kristen Stewart, a chewed-up sofa pillow and pork rind dust will all step up to the altar. That will be Baby Jackson’s cue to say “I choose the chewed-up sofa pillow” with his eyes.

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