American Idol Will Have 100% More Rainbows And Unicorn Farts On It Next Season

July 23, 2012 / Posted by:

Ryan Seacrest is having himself a midget boy pout party right now, because FOX had to cut his high heels and highlights budget now that they’re slipping over $12 million into Mimi’s pink diamond-encrusted Lisa Frank fanny pack to replace JLo on American Idol next season. The good news for fans of foolery was announced at the TV Critics Association Summer Press tour in Beverly Hills as a herd of lambs let out thousands of heart-shaped queefs of happiness. Mimi wasn’t at the Summer Press tour today, but while lounging in a Hello Kitty bathtub, she called in and said in so many words that she can’t wait to deposit that check into her account. via TVLine:

“I am so excited to be joining Idol. I wanted to be there today and I wish I could have been there myself to tell you. I can’t wait to get started in a couple months.”

Nothing can replace Paula Abdul barfing up jumbled critiques while trying to keep herself from coughing up pieces of Vicodin pills, but Mimi will come close to topping that crazy. I can’t believe I’m typing this in the year 2012, but I’m actually looking forward to watching American Idol next season. There’s something wrong there. Now FOX just needs to get Aretha Franklin, so we can all bow down to the three queens (Mimi, Aretha and Gaycrest) of primetime shit shows.

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