Antonio & Melanie Aren’t Getting A Divorce, So Says People

July 20, 2012 / Posted by:

Depending on who you ask, Melanie Griffith is either throwing a “Pendejo, wipe the skank stank from your chorizo, because I can smell it here from here!” side-eye at Antonio or she’s making a “No, I’m not throwing a side-eye at Antonio, I just made the mistake of Botoxing my eyeballs because they looked wrinkly and now they’re stuck like this for a while” face.

Radar says that Antonio Banderas is thisclose to biting on a black rose, arching his back and salsa walking directly to a divorce lawyer’s office. A source says that Antonio and Melanie’s 15 year marriage is about to crumble into a pile of dusty memories and they’ve been in counseling to try to save it. There’s been rumors that Antonio’s wandering peen is the reason for all their problems, but the source says that their problems started a long time ago. The source went on to say this shit:

“Melanie is absolutely distraught. This was her fairytale and it’s falling apart. They’ve been through rough spots before, so there’s always hope that they’ll get it together and fix this, but right now that is definitely not looking like that is the case. There’s still a lot of love there though, that’s for sure.

It’s not a case of them hating each other but it’s a very hard time for everyone right now. No one really wants to accept that it’s happening, that’s why they’re still keeping it all under wraps.”

But wait! A difference source (aka Melanie and Antonio’s rep calling from a pay phone while wearing a disguise) tells People that Melanie and Antonio are fine and their marriage is not dying like most of the feeling in her face. Antonio is just in Hungary shooting a movie and they’ll be together again soon. “They’re really happy, they’re fine and blah barf blah,” said that source.

Usually, when a source tells People that everything is heart-shaped, rose-scented queefs and that Antonio is not dicking every trick in a 4-mile radius, it’s not a good sign for a marriage. That could just be a PR fart in your eyes. If it is, then hopefully Melanie Griffith will pull herself together, take the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan and start her new life as a serious business woman. Leeeeeeeeeeet the river ruuuuuuuun! 

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