What The Hell Else Are You Supposed To Do In A Porn Theater?

July 19, 2012 / Posted by:

Fred Willard, who was in almost every Christopher Guest movie, joined Pee-wee Herman in The Cops Gave Me Blue Balls Club last night when he was arrested for jacking his 72-year-old dick to straight porn at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood. Yes, porn theaters still exist even though almost everyone has a personal porn theater in the privacy of their home called the motherfucking Internet. And yes, the cops are still arresting people for doing exactly what you’re supposed to do in a porn theater. This is the world we live in and it ain’t right.

TMZ says that at around 8:45 last night, Fred, who’s about to start shooting a movie called The Yank (research?), had his peen out and was fapping his way to a bust when the cops busted him for lewd conduct. No word if the cops did the right thing by turning around to let him finish, because nothing is worse than trying to smile in a mug shot glamour shoot after your ole’ man jizz party has been cut short. Fred was arrested, taken in and released a quick minute later.

Don’t the cops have better things to do than handcuff an old man’s fappin’ hand for partaking in a little old-fashioned jerking off in a porn theater? If it’s that slow, they should just follow Lindsay Lohan around, because I’m sure she committed at least a dozen crimes in the time it took for Fred to give his vintage man sausage some hand love.

Since the cops are still busting bitches in porn theaters, where were they when I went to the Tomkat Theater in L.A. (Side note: I only went there out of curiosity. OKAY? Is it even still there? The stank from that night is still trapped to the walls of my nostrils.) and made the lethal mistake of going to the bathroom upstairs. There in the bathroom was a naked old bitch jacking it while sitting on the toilet. And yes, my falling nostril hairs told me that he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing on that toilet. Where were the cops then, because that was some illegal shit. Pun very much intended.

Fred is 72 years old and I say if he wants to fap in a musky porn theater, let him fap in a musky porn theater. Instead of arresting him, we should all give him a hand (not like that).

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