It’s the Pee-wee Herman mess all over again. We obviously haven’t grown as a society since 1991, because it’s still an issue when a more than grown ass man leaves his fap juices on the crusty velvet seat of an adult porn theater. After 72-year-old Fred Willard was arrested last night for trying to squeeze out some party leche while watching porn at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood, PBS rubbed him out of their show Market Warriors. Fred was the show’s narrator, but not anymore. The NY Times’ Arts Beat Blog says that PBS told local affiliates not to air any episodes of Market Warriors until they’ve replaced Fred’s voice with Mark “Not Marky Mark” Walberg who hosts Antiques Roadshow.
What a bunch of assholes for firing a senior citizen for masturbating in a porn theater. PBS should meet ole’ horny Fred at the Tiki Theater tonight, because they need to loosen the hell up by busting one out. This is a non-issue. Everybody faps! (That should be the adult follow-up to Everybody Poops.) PBS is really acting like Oscar the Grouch hasn’t rolled his trash can over to the next town’s Muppet-only adult theater to temporarily fap his grouchiness away.
And in other Fred freeing his willy news, his lawyer tells TMZ that he is completely innocent of the lewd conduct charge: “With all due respect to the individual officer, our belief is that Fred did nothing in any violation of any law.”
With all due to respect to Fred Willard, we all know he was whacking off in that theater. But that’s what an adult theater is for. It’s for old dudes who are scared of the Internet and want to jack off old-school style. This is why there should be a free class at the Learning Annex on how to turn your personal laptop into a one-stop fap place. Fred’s mind (and other parts) will be blow when he discovers Internet porn. Fred no longer has to run up to the projection room to tell the dude to speed up the film to the money shot, because he’s got a Bunko game in 20 minutes.