The Search For Tom Cruise’s Next Beard Bride Has Begun!

July 18, 2012 / Posted by:

Tommy Girl is just a couple of months away from being legally free of the selfish human who refused to complete her transformation into a microchip-brained Stepford Wife and the head bitches at Scientology are already shopping around for his fourth wife. Tell Ashley Greene to not bother sending in her head shot, salary requirements and recommendation letters from past beading jobs, because Scientology has learned their lesson and they’re filling the position internally this time (sounds sexy, but it isn’t). Scientology isn’t about to let another outsider blow open their front doors so that the public can see them sucking each other’s dicks and being crazy and shit. Not this time.

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that former members of Scientology are placing their bets on 27-year-old Yolanda Pecoraro as the next Mrs. Tommy Girl. Both of Yolanda’s parents are Scientologists and she’s been taking classes since she was 13. Yolanda is even used to tasting butt nectar on Tommy’s lips during staged kissing sessions, because she dated him for a quick minute after meeting him at the opening of a Scientology center in Spain in 2004. Yolanda apparently has a boyfriend, but he’s also a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard, so it’ll only take one or two audit sessions to fully brainwash him into dumping her. Some source said this about Tommy’s newest beard bride:

“With the embarrassment his divorce has caused the church, they want to stabilize the situation quickly. They also want to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom’s next wife, they’d certainly want her to have a child soon. So she could quickly be going from her modest apartment to a mansion in Beverly Hills with a baby on the way. And there’s little doubt she’d do what’s best for the church.”

Another source called Yolanda a true “princess of Scientology” and I don’t appreciate that shit. That source’s Thetans must be shitting lumps of stupidity onto their brain, because Tommy is the true princess of Scientology. Bow down and engrave that on your brain. If Yolanda thinks she’s the princess, there’s really going to be a problem, because no wife of Tommy touches his tiara. You know what else is a problem? Yolanda is not the right age! All of Tommy’s wives were around 11 years younger than the last one, so his new wife should be 22. Don’t screw with the numbers. But if they insist on screwing with the numbers, they should really make John Travolta Tommy’s fourth and final wife, because that marriage will last until Xenu destroys earth and all the Scientologists escape in penis-shaped pods.

More importantly, WWYAS (What Would Yolanda’s Abuelita Say)? I’d like to see Tommy try to use his telekinesis powers to stop an abuelita’s switch from coming at him. Won’t work.

Here’s Tommy putting on a smile for the millions of paps while giving Suri a reverse piggyback ride in Manhattan yesterday.

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