….The Hell Kind Of 69 Position Is This?

July 18, 2012 / Posted by:

A few minutes ago, if you told me that you had a picture of Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender 69ing in W Magazine, I’d prepare for the fapocalypse by sending my dog to the boarders before ordering tubs of lube, replacing my bed sheets with plastic tarps and telling my neighbors that they should either somehow catch a cold that stuffs up their noses or they should go ahead and visit their parents upstate. Well, here’s the picture and…….huuuuuuuuuuuuh?!

Why are they fully dressed? Like they’re fully FULLY dressed. They’re even wearing shoes! Why does Charlize’s eyes look like they just made out with Taylor Momsen’s raccoon eyes? Why does it look like there’s a Kindle hanging from Charlize’s crotch and Michael Assbender is catching up on some reading? Why is Charlize pointing her open mouth away from Michael Assbender’s crotch? When your mouth is open and Michael Assbender’s peen is within beej distance, your natural instinct should be to introduce your tonsils to his peen head. That fake fire in the background must be letting out some toxic fumes that are making both of them hazy in the brains. That’s the only explanation.

But the rest of the pictures are much more faptastic (especially this one which I’m turning into ceiling paper) and have convinced me that Charlize and Assbender need to star in 50 Shades of Grey together and that the 50 Shades of Grey movie needs to take place in Freddy Krueger’s nightmare lair. That’s where they are, right?

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